Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Just another negative blog: but hey I dont need medication.
I am stupid stupid stupid! Sometimes I think my self esteem issues are all consuming. Its been a hard week for me. Halloween really makes you realize how much it sucks not to have kids sometimes. It is really a holiday wrapped around children, especially the trick or treating. I didn’t hand out candy, went grocery shopping instead.
I was not invited to a single Halloween thing this year. Every other year I get invited to tons of parties, not this year, not a single one. There was one party specifically that made me feel like a pos. This person, for lack of a better word, made sure on THREE separate occasions to bring up her Halloween party and invite the people I was with or around, and make sure I knew I wasn’t invited. I loved seeing the photos and status messages about the party all over facebook. It was like being punched in the gut. Some of my friends said it was classless and very immature of her to make sure to remind and invite people with me there, but I personally think she did it on purpose, to punish me, and to let me know I wasn’t included.
It hurts like it did in elementary school when Amanda uninvited me because I was a foster kid. Being left out is never fun. In fact, it sucks. And for grown adults to act that way- its spiteful and downright mean. Im not cool enough to be invited, Im not special enough, Im not liked.
Anyway, the lack of invitations makes me feel how I have been feeling most lately- unloveable, alone, disconnected from the world. It really stinks. I honestly have gotten to the point lately where I feel like I could die and it would have no meaning, that I have no safe spot anywhere on this planet. I wont get into it here, but I don’t even feel emotionally safe in my own house anymore. Its pretty sad. I just wish I had a place where I felt that here, I am ok. Here, no one is going to make me feel like less of a person or that I don’t matter or am worthless. I don’t have a place like that anywhere. It hurts a lot.
I just feel empty. I have very little interaction with people outside of class and a few texts/facebook messages. Part of me feels like its my fault and part of me feels like I am undeserving of relationships. Why should I feel deserving when I am rejected time and time again, and so publically at times?
School has done a great job of keeping me busy. I had my first midterm today. I scored a 86. I was so mad. I had gone back and changed several of my test answers. Had I not I would have only missed two questions and gotten a high A. Im so stupid. I cant even trust myself academically. I had to go and ruin a class that I was getting a high A in. Now the only way I can get an A is if I ace the final. Dumb dumb me.
Then I decided since its getting colder I’d go try on some clothes. I have two sweaters and about six hoodies in my house. That’s it. I drown in the hoodies since I lost so much weight. I need winter clothes. But everything I put on made me look HUGE. I mean all I could see was fat rolls and grossness. I think all women have days like that. Anyway, as I went to try on another one, a piece of paper fell down. Here is what it said:
It was so random and out of the blue. I went through a wide arrange of feelings. First I thought how sweet and kind for someone to randomly leave this for a stranger. Then I thought of the irony, of being unlovable and finding it, then I thought about the niceness again and how some random stranger was trying to make someone smile.
I am really really down right now. Ive been acting like Im not, but I am. I am completely lost, barely keeping my head above water. Point blank I hate myself, and I understand why I am unlovable. More so, I don’t know why anyone would want to be in my life and thus I cant accept friendships and people. I haven’t let anyone in, I haven’t developed much of anything, I just keep living. Day after day.
I had counseling today. I let her read my blogs, I tell her exactly how I feel, Im very honest with her. We talked about psychiatry and medicine. They don’t think I need anything. Im high functioning. Apparently I have a bunch of inner strength. Apparently for what Ive been through Ive gone a long way.
So we are working with coping skills and trying to learn some new thinking skills. Working with a dbt program. We will see what happens with it. All I know is right now my interaction with people is either necessary or surface. There are a couple people I really enjoy hanging out with that Ive gone out on a limb with but really, I spend 99% of my time completely alone. It doesn’t bother me. Beats the alternative.
at 10:16 PM