Saturday, February 26, 2011

Post 61: Anti-Social Networking & Online Dating

Dear Journal,

I had taken quite a break from facebook and I had such a calm existence. Now, don't get me wrong, I like facebook. I like being able to keep in contact with friends from all points of my life and in all destinations. The ability to see the children I love grow from thousands of miles away is pretty precious too me.

But, I think that the internet, cell phones and technology has actually made people less social then before instead of more. Now, picking up the phone and having a real conversation can be cancelled out by a five second text. I recently asked a friend if she had remembered to invite a mutual friend to a lunch, she told me she would "Facebook" her. This meant send a quick email on facebook. There would really be no interaction. Sometimes, I think that a phone call is way better. For instance, if there are questions about an event: what to wear, directions, what to bring etc, they can be answered in one call instead of days of emails.

I say that the internet is antisocial for a couple reasons. First, it allows people to have an excuse not to see each other, send personal correspondences (like thank you cards), or interact. In a couple key strokes it allows for a person to dismiss another person. Friendships and relationships can be ended by simply changing a relationship status or deleting a person off of a friends list. Conversation, explanation not needed. People can read into status messages or emails whatever they like. Sarcasm where there is none, seriousness where there is sarcasm. I think that the written word can sometimes cause more miscommunication then clarification. Second, it allows people to hurt other people easier. It is so much easier to type out a string of curse words or insults when the person is not sitting in front of you. Third, it allows people to be fake. You aren't challenge to be real, raw, or honest on websites like facebook or myspace. People are only going to see the angle of the photo you choose to post, or the words you decide to write out. You can keep your enemies closer. You don't have to do your hair, makeup, or even brush your teeth to talk with your friends, yes that is nice, but you also don't have to be honest when they cant see your facial or body language.

It is fun to network. But if you are putting personal information on your page do you really need a thousand friends? If you are networking for work or a personal project why not have two pages? One for each? Surely you can't keep an interpersonal relationship working with a thousand people at once.

You are not "best friends" with a person from an online forum that you have never met. You can develop a friendship with a person online, I believe that, and I even believe you can start caring for a person but until you have met them in person you do not know what part of them is real or what part is simply an act. I have a friend like that. She is completely, one hundred percent, different online then she is offline. You can be anyone you want online. You can have the guts to say something online that you don't offline. You can be self assured and confident online and insecure and shy offline.

I love that the internet has introduced me to some of my best friends. I do. But the thing is, we found each other online and then hung out offline. We got to know each others mannerisms, beliefs, personalities in a way that is simply limited on the internet.

There are some women online that I have never met that I honestly think I would give my shirt off my back for. We have been online friends for years. We exchange ideas, thoughts, recipes, advice from thousands of miles away. We support each other when our husbands are deployed, we cheer when one gets promoted, cry when someone gets hurt, we oooh and ahhh over the birth of babies and weve kept in touch through multiple moves and adventures in our lives. I really do think of them as friends.

But again, that is a limited friendship. There is only so much I can do through a computer screen.

Online dating. I get it. It is a great way to "meet" a person. The point of online dating is not to keep fantasies or role play up for years on the internet. The point is to meet a person, in real life, outside of the computer screen, and grow a relationship out of it. Online dating can be a great tool in finding your future spouse, but it can also be a dangerous way to fall into the hands of predators. Being safe is the most important thing.

But, there are so many downfalls to this if you do not really meet the person. I will tell a couple, real, honest to God stories here. There was a unit of male soldiers stationed in Iraq who were bored out of their mind. They decided to start a "dating" game. These guys really got into this game. Many of them were married or in serious relationships. They put up profiles on a certain dating website and sat back and waited. They led multiple women along, pretending to fall in love with, these young, vulnerable women. They emailed, some went as far as to call, and skyped these girls. Each girl thought they had met the man of their dream. Meanwhile, the guys had multiple girls they were each doing this to and had a competition going to see who could get the most girlfriends, the most care packages, the most dirty pictures and who could get the best cyber video. Then, when they were ready to wrap up the deployment they deleted their fake email accounts, their fake dating sites and just disappeared from the women's lives. These women sat back in the States thinking their boyfriends/fianc├ęs had died or were injured. Some of the men went as far as to "break" up with their pawns. As a member of multiple online forums, unfortunately, I have read about this scenario on multiple occasions. Women who had spent hours upon hours talking with these guys on yahoo, skype, the phone, corresponding, sending presents, not dating anyone else for months finding out he was married, or that she was just a member of this game.

Then there are the guys, both civilian and military, who lie about who they are. They put up fake photos, fake careers. Can talk to a woman for months and play up this persona that doesn't exist. The internet allows for people to be whoever they want, whenever they want. It could be an old, bald, fat man sitting there saying he is a twenty something Marine in great shape emailing from Japan. It could be a young boy playing around online. A friend of mine had that happen. She thought she was "dating" a Marine who was stationed in Japan. She "talked" to him for months online, exchanged photos etc. Turned out the guy was fifteen, using photos of a dead Marine he found online, to fulfill sexual online fantasies.

If you are going to meet a person online make sure you do it safely. First, do not send anything you wouldn't want your mother reading. Second, do not correspond with someone who is overseas, in a dating capacity. Keep it plutonic. Real, mature men will understand that the need to grow as a friend first is important. Second, meet the person in real life. Do not exchange last names, addresses or personal information with the person until you do. Meet them in a public location, make a safe call to let a friend know where you are going and when you will be back. Third, if it seems too good to be true it probably is.

One of my pet peeves is when people say they were "dating" a person based on the amount of time they were "talking" to a person. Until you have met in real life you are not dating. You can't be sure the person is not talking out of his ass, you can't be sure he's not a married man or a fourteen year old playing you. I don't care if you have talked on the phone, on skype, or online. Anyone can pretend from a distance (or slip their wedding band off for a photo). No, you have not been dating for six months if you have never met him. You have been talking to, friends, or getting to know, sure.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Post 54- Compliments

Dear Journal,

Keeping with the prompts here are the next two questions. First, something people seem to compliment you the most on. I couldn't narrow it down. I get complimented on my writing style, on my personal strength and physically my eyes. I don't get complimented very often. I think that in today's day and age people don't give out compliments very much. They are quick to talk about things when they are upset but slower to compliment people. I also think people pay more attention to the negative and it has a stronger influence over them then the positive does. That's a shame. I know I do it too. Someone criticizes or says something mean to me I will remember that longer than if someone says something nice.

The second part of the question was something you never get compliments on. That one is really hard to think about. I would have to think about everything bad about myself, and there is a ton, and list it all. I think the biggest thing is my ability to be quite. Im not quite very often. I talk all the time. Everyone notices that, but no one notices when Im quite and still which happens way more than what people give me credit for.

Ok, another two prompts done.


Monday, February 21, 2011

Post 53- What Do You Got?

What Do You Got? Lyrics

Everybody wants something, just a little more
We're makin a living, and what we're livin for
A rich man or a poor man, a pawn or a king
You can live on the street, you can rule the whole world
But you don't mean one damn thing

What do you got, if you aint got love
Whatever you got, it just aint enough
Youre walkin the road, but youre goin no where
Youre tryin to find your way home, but there's no one there
Who do you hold, in the dark of night
You wanna give up, but it's worth the fight
You have all the things, that you've been dreamin' of

If you ain't got someone, you're afraid to lose
Everybody needs just one, someone... to tell them the truth
Maybe i'm a dreamer, but I still believe
I believe in hope, I believe the change can get us off our knees


If you ain't got love, its all just keeping score
If you ain't got love, what the hell we doing it for

I don't wanna have to talk about it,
How many songs you gotta sing about it
How long you gonna live without it
Why does some somewhere have to doubt it,
Someday you'll figure it out


If you ain't got love, its all just keeping score
If you ain't got love, what the hell we doin' it for
Woahhh, I ain't got, if you ain't got
What do you got if you ain't got love
What do you got if you ain't got love

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Post 52- Judging

Dear Journal,

I know people are going to judge me for what I write on here. I understand that. On Monday's Biggest Loser one of the trainers was working with a contestant. She said to him that he would never heal if he never got the past out, he had to stop keeping it inside. You have to get it out in order to get through it and move on. I believe that completely. Maybe some people wont do it as publically as this, but for me, it's a good healing tool and it really helps me to know that maybe there is one other person out there who feels the same way.

More importantly, it gives people an insight to me. Because I would never be able to talk about this stuff face to face. I would never be able to say half the stuff I write without crumbling down and sobbing, or without getting sidetracked. If people read it and choose to take it the wrong way, or judge me for it, that is just fate saying we weren't supposed to be friends anyway.

I am insecure. I am scared. I am depressed right now. I have horrible body image and self esteem. I have had inappropriate friendships, I have been self destructive. I will be writing about some of these things. I have had thoughts that I shouldn't have had. I am not the ideal rolemodel. I get that.

With everything going on right now, with all the problems I do have, I do know one thing for sure. I am a good person. I love with all I have, I hold nothing back. I am loyal. I don't cheat on my husband, physically or emotionally, I am loyal to my friends, and I would give anything I have to help them out. I know that I am passionate, crazy creative, and I care. I care too much. I care to a fault.

So, judge me as much as you want to judge. Say I am crazy. Say I need help. Say I am ugly. I don't really care. Right now, especially, I am numb. I am fighting through all this and it takes every ounce of energy I have to do it. If you want to judge me, judge me. I will continue to write, I will continue to get this out and you can read if you want. You can make fun of me. You can show the world how immature, selfish and ridiculous you are and I will show the world what is inside of me. Beautiful or ugly, it will be truth and raw. Its who I am and what I am right now. Its all I have to give. If you want to take it, twist it, judge it, and throw it back out there its your progativie.

I cant control you. I can only control how I respond to you.

And I am responding by continuing to blog.


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Post 51- Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

Dear Journal,

I am continuing with the thirty day prompts, even though I am not doing them in thirty days. The next one is "Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know." When my husband asked me to continue writing these I told him that if I did it was going to be raw, honest and could hurt him. He wanted me to do it anyway. Here it goes.

The first part "Someone you need to let go"…

My first real love, Mike, is someone I really need to let go. Those close to me know all about Michael. The first guy I ever gave myself too physically. I loved him once and I suppose, like many people with first loves do, find it hard to let him go.

When you are young and impressionable what you find attractive is different than when you are older and grown. Things that once were important no longer are. I look back at Michael and think, "What was I thinking?" I don't find him remotely attractive. I roll my eyes at how immature he still is, all these years later, and I think that I am glad to have gotten away from him when I did. I would be trapped in a loveless marriage with an unfaithful husband.

Truth be told he walked away from me when I needed him the most. He cheated on me. We grew apart as we grew older. Yet, I have the hardest time letting go of him. I have the hardest time trusting, the hardest time believing people will stay around because of his actions, especially during deployments. Yet with as much as he hurt me, leaving me at Brian's funeral like that, I have the hardest time letting him go. Sometimes I look at his facebook page. Sometimes I ask about him with our mutual friends. It is like watching a train wreck. You don't want to look at the carnage but you cant turn away. Do we ever really let go of our first loves? Do they, no matter what they did to you, always keep a place in your heart?

The second part "or wish you didn't know"

I wish I didn't know you. I wish I didn't know you existed. Because as long as you are out there, and I know you are out there, I will always have those "what ifs" and it's scary. Because I will never know and I never want to know. I want to let you go. I want to never think about you again. I want you to be an imaginary friend.

There is a person in my life that I hold onto and I don't want to. I think that I have grown him in my head in such a way that it is unnatural, unhealthy. I think that to me it is more about the thought of him and not him that is hard to let go. Hm. Not making sense?

As you mature, your romantic taste changes too. For me, the idea of this person, no faults, perfect is totally unrealistic. I bet you anything I wouldn't be physically attracted to him if I saw him again. I bet you that in real life he would be a disappointment. I bet you that the way I have build him up in my head is not at all how he would be now. I think that we hold on to the past and as time grows we let go of the bad and only hold on to the good.

We had the most amazing conversations. They would last for hours and hours on end. He made me laugh, a lot. He made me think about things, feel good about myself, grow as a person. We dated, briefly, when we were fifteen, but then we moved thousands of miles apart and never saw each other again. So our conversations were phone and email. Anyone can say anything via phone and email, right? We knew we could never be together, the distance was too far so we stayed friends.

He was there through everything I went through, just on the other end of an email. I would tell him about high school, college, interning. When Brian died, when my mom died, when I was in the accident. I could shoot him an email and he would say things that no one in my life seemed to say, and it would make it better.

He is a great writer. The things he wrote in emails were inspirational. He would tell me to never settle for less then I deserved. He would tell me letting me go was the biggest mistake of his life. He would tell me how talented I am. How beautiful. How strong. He would let me know how much I had inspired him to do what he was doing with his life. When he wrote about his day I could hear him saying it, and I could imagine every little details, his words leapt alive on a page. He was eloquent and well spoken. Mature, educated, refined. I found myself looking for parts of him in every guy I dated. I would email him about the dates and the men and he would ask questions about them that made me really think things through. Everyone fell short of him. Or at least, the him I built up in my head to be, because from miles away and only conversing on the phone and internet, you can be anyone you want, and your faults can be hidden completely. I forgot what he was like in person after years and only knew who he was in correspondences. And no one is that perfect. I built him up to be this perfect person, and I know, realistically that doesn't work.

At one point as a young adult, he offered to move me to where he was. Confessed his undying love and support. I laughed him off. He had become a character in a story to me, not real, and I was not at a spot in my life where marriage or moving across country for a man I hadn't seen for five years was even plausible. Time kept going. Days passed. Years passed. We would not hear from the other for a long period of time and then suddenly thered be an email in the inbox with his name on it. I kept that email address for ten years, only, for him. I had all our emails in there. From years. I could read back and laugh at the emails we wrote each other at fifteen years old and the emails we wrote each other at twenty five. I could see us growing and changing and maturing.

We kept the friendship up for years, even after I got married, but because of being married I kept the boundaries tight. I knew what was appropriate and not appropriate to talk about. It was purely plutonic. He challenged me. He challenged me to be better. He challenged me to chase my dreams. I found myself thinking that I wished my husband could have conversations with me like we were having and I found myself looking for his emails. I knew then, it was wrong. I was moving into dangerous territory, and although we never crossed the line, although I never cheated, although I made sure to cut all communication with him off when I realized I was getting too close, emotionally, to another man, which is absolutely wrong and my brain started wandering into the "what if" zone. What if I had married him? What if I had never moved? What if we were together? What would my life be like?

What ifs are dangerous and they are unrealistic. I know that. If I could rewind history and never meet someone though, it would be this guy. Because I seem to have the worst problem letting go. I know that I shouldn't, but sometimes, I find myself comparing my husband to him and wishing I could take a part here or there from him and put that part into my husband. That is not fair to my husband, not fair to me. And I know, consciously, that of course his words were perfect, they were merely words, he never had to match actions up to them.

I spoke with my husband about the situation. And although I never cheated, although I never emotionally cheated, although I was doing nothing wrong, I still was upset. Because, I was talking to another male more than I was talking to him. I was letting another person influence my thoughts and decisions more than my husband. I knew that was wrong, whether it be male or female, my husband is my best friend and his opinions and feelings should hold the most weight in my life. My husband knows everything about my friendship with this person. Knew I ended it, not because he told me to, because he never asked me to, he trusts me completely, but because I knew I would not be comfortable with my husband having a friendship with another woman like that.

Recently, I ended the friendship with him. I completely ended it. He was hurt. He didn't understand. He didn't get it, since we were keeping things within the boundaries I set up for us, why we couldn't be friends. It was no appropriate. I had to do it for me, for my marriage. It was difficult. More difficult then I imagined. I met him when I was fifteen. When I was unsure of anything. We were at a State theater conference and we ran off together. We hid in the balcony of an unused theater for four days and talked. I felt like he was my "Dear Abby" for over thirteen years. I deleted the email account, completely deleted it. It no longer exists. I blocked him on facebook. I needed to let him go. Or well, the person I had built up in my head, go. I knew I needed to be turning to my husband with the things I turned to him with, I needed to write my husband the emails and dreams I had. I had to give it all to him, not just parts of it.

I spoke with two close girlfriends about my friendship, about my thoughts, about my fears. I told them about the nagging, "what ifs" that sometimes pop into my head. Both told me they were natural, they had the same "what if" thoughts at one point. What if they had married a different man, or an ex etc. That what is important is not the "what ifs" but the present that is important.

The present is easy. I love my husband. We have a good marriage, good communication and although we have our bumps along the road, which all couples have, we still have each other. I wouldn't want it any other way and I am blessed to have him. Blessed to have someone who puts up with the crap I give him and that is understanding.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Post 50- Obtainable Beauty?

Dear Journal,

I struggle with huge self esteem issues. I know my husband tells me I am beautiful but I don't believe him. I think perhaps I am beautiful in his eyes but I am not in mine. Every time I look at myself I see something wrong. A huge nose, uneven eyes, a small mouth proportionate to my face, fat rolls, huge breast that droop, my teeth are crooked, there is very little I like about my physical appearance.
There are some things that are obtainable. I can change the color, length, style, and texture of my hair. I can work out (which I have been doing a lot!) to change the weight of my body. I can wear clothes that accentuate the good curves and hide the bad. I can go to the dentist and have my teeth fixed.

But what do you do about the parts you don't like? Grow to love them? Accept them? Change them? I don't think I will ever get plastic surgery. The costs for cosmetic, elective surgery, is through the roof. I cant afford it and I don't think my husband will ever let me.

Then there is the other factor: what if it is mental? I look at Heidi Montag and all the surgeries she had. Is she truly happy with them? What if I had a nose job and I still hated it? Then what? Get another nose job? When do you get accustomed and happy in your skin? How do you?

I don't know. I always feel like the ugliest person in our group. I always feel like when we go out Im the ugly, fat, girl on the side that makes everyone else look better. I wonder sometimes, if people really know how they look. Is anyone actually comfortable with how they look? Does anyone ever really think they are beautiful? I have girlfriends that I think are drop dead gorgeous but when I tell them that they tell me they have their own insecurities too. Is that something that just comes with being a girl?

I am so tired of being fat. Ive been working my butt off, literally, my friends say I dont have a butt left, trying to get into a shape I like, other than round. I currently weigh 172lbs. I was 230 at my heaviest. I would like to be in the 140s or lower. I have a personal trainer that I am paying hundreds of dollars to work out with. I am working out and working on nutrition. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food right now. But it is something I recognize and am trying to fix. I hate everything about my body. Everything. There is not a single spot on it that I like. My cottage cheese, flabby, disgusting body makes me gag, literally. How do you get over it outside of fixing it? Will I ever be happy with it? Can I get to the point of acceptance? I dont know. 

I just know how I feel. I feel ugly, awkward, misshaped. I feel out of place in my skin. I look in the mirror and what I see doesn't match how I feel. I don't understand. And to top everything off with all the stress going on I am breaking out like a thirteen year old.

I wonder if I will ever come to truly accept that this is who I am and this is who I am going to be? Will I ever be happy looking at myself?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Post 49- Intentions & Actions


Dear Journal,

I was driving home the other day and had made a list of things I had intended to do that day and I realized that intending to do them and doing them were two very different things. That rolled into a grouping of thoughts that led me to writing this.

Having the best of intentions… or with the best of intentions… how many times have you heard that phrase? Intentions without action are merely thoughts. While people may have the best of intentions or have had the intent to do x, y, or z, it means nothing without the follow through.

When Brian died I remember thinking how I intended to tell him this or that. I had intended on going to check on him before my fight with Mike. I had intended to not let him go home alone that night. But I never followed up on my actions and it was too late.

How many times do we intend to call a grandparent or loved one and we find out later we were too late? That unsent card, thank you note, the intended trip to visit family or friends that got put off. Life happens. But intentions without actions are just thoughts.

I have said it twice and I will say it once more; intentions without actions are just thoughts. People can't know you are thinking about them unless you tell them. I meant to send an encouraging note to my friend the other day, but forgot. I meant to tell you I love you, but I forgot. I meant to take the trash out on Friday, but forgot and now it's going to have to wait until next week. I intended to make that doctors appointment to get the sprain checked, never did, and now it's a break. I intended to unscrew the hose and now it has frozen and burst. Intend. I intended.

I intended on writing a novel.

I intended on loosing ten pounds.

I intended on calling my friend.

I intended on volunteering at the shelter.

I intended on donating blood.

I intended on saying I love you.

What are you intending to do this week, month, year that you could do today? What actions are you intending for the future and why are you waiting? You can't take intentions with you to the grave. However, your actions here on earth can be remembered for eternity.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Post 48- Help

Do you ever feel like crying out for help, screaming for help? Because something is so wrong and you recognize the need to get help before it gets worse? Then when you do make the call, the several hour call, and you are one step closer to getting help you find yourself just so upset with the system? That is where I am at right now. I am so frustrated that Ive been trying so hard to get help right now. I know I need it. I know I am depressed. Im angry. Im bitter. I am so terrified of who/what I am becoming. I am isolating myself and I am scared. Very scared.

I called Military One Source, was on the phone for hours with them a couple weeks back just to get help with something going on right now, I called at a friends house and they heard the frustration of question after question after question. They approved a certain number of counseling hours for a specific issue. I called the counseling agency, about a dozen times now, to set up an appointment. I have yet to speak to a human. Each time it has been a recording. I leave messages. I have gotten one call back, at 459pm while I was in the doctor for a cracked rib. And guess what? They closed at five. Ive called and called and called. I do not want to call Military One Source back because I do not have the energy to sit on the phone with several people, keep being transfered and have to answer the same billion questions again. I do not have the time or energy for it. Especially the energy.

I give up. I completely give up.

Right now I am void of emotions. I am numb. I am exhausted. I cant do this anymore. I need help. Why cant I get it? Why is it so hard?! I just NEED help before its too late and I cant get myself out of this feeling, past my walls or through any of this.

I feel like I am screaming FIRE in a room full of people and no one is listening, hearing me, or trying to put the fire out.

Its not my friends faults. I have been isolating myself, or not talking about things, or just smiling and pretending things are ok. I dont have a mother or family to realize its not, its not like they notice. My husband when I talk to him asks me "what is wrong" about a billion times, but I dont tell him, because he is in Afghanistan and there is not anything he could do to help, and I dont want to make him stressed.

Where does that leave me? Jogging at night in the bitter cold to Eminem and wishing I had a black hole to crawl into and just stay for awhile.

The courage it took me to write this... well it took a lot. So please dont blast me with hate emails. Id appreciate it. You can shake your heads and say, "I knew she was crazy." I'm ok with that. Because quite frankly I dont give a damn what anyone thinks about me anymore, because I dont give a damn about myself.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Post 47- Someone you didn’t want to let go but just drifted

Dear Journal,

My husband asked me to continue with the forty days of truth challenge. I wasn't going to, God knows I didn't do it every day, but he requested it and Im having a hard time right now so Im going to go ahead and do it. The question I left off on was "Someone you didn't want to let go but just drifted." As a person who has drifted all over the country I would say there are multiple people who fit into this category. My first college roommate, Megan, was more of a sister than a roommate. We went through so much together and have so many memories. She is one of those people thought that if I don't see her for years I still can get together with her and its like yesterday. We lived together at her mom's house when I graduated early from high school and was in a very bad home situation, we got our first apartment together and had some AMAZING summer memories, we both were resident advisors in the same dorm, and you know, we almost never fought. The one time I really remember us fighting was because I didn't like her then boyfriend turned husband turned ex husband (sorry Meg, you totally know it's true! And I told you so!!) We dated friends at one point, they were these two country hicks that were amazing boyfriends lol. Anyway, we drifted.

Another was my battle buddy Mica. We went through so much together in and out of our uniforms. We went through boyfriends, college classes, drunken parties, family problems, working at the same jobs. We went through struggles and laughter, go times and bad. When I moved to DC we slowly drifted. We still talk and like Megan, when we do talk we just instantly reconnect and start off where we left off.

Both women are people who have drifted in and out of my life but both still mean the world to me.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Post 46

Lucinda Jones working at the IHOP:
Ten years worth of bacon, eggs, and tears.
She's waited on every creed and color
While waiting on this day to get here.
Graveyard shifts, two bit tips,
Making every quarter count.
It's worth it all to see her son in that cap and gown.

There are times in life when you gotta crawl,
Lose your grip, trip and fall
When you can't lean on no one else,
That's when you find yourself
I've been around and I've noticed that
Walk-in's easy when the road is flat
Them danged 'ole hills will get you every time.
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains so we could learn how to climb

Private Bobby Dunn came back from the war,
Lost his leg but they couldn't take his will.
Hell bent to run in that local marathon.
He trained through the endless pain and pills
It hurt so bad that sometimes he just had to cry.
He didn't stop until he crossed that finish line.

There are times in life when you gotta crawl,
Lose your grip, trip and fall
When you can't lean on no one else,
That's when you find yourself
I've been around and I've noticed that
Walk-in's easy when the road is flat
Them danged 'ole hills will get you every time.
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains so we could learn how to climb

This world ain't fair
It can knock you on your butt
You can just lie there or you can get back up
You gotta get back up

There are times in life when you gotta crawl,
Lose your grip, trip and fall
When you can't lean on no one else,
That's when you find yourself
I've been around and I've noticed that
Walk-in's easy when the road is flat
Them danged 'ole hills will get you every time.
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains so we could learn how to climb
Yeah, oh 

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Comments & Taking Down Some Blogs

I am not sure why comments are not showing up. I have had several people email/text me asking me about that. I don't know if it is this layout or what but I am not getting them for approval either. Sorry! I will try to figure out whats going on with that. Thanks for your patience!

I also have taken a few of my blogs down for now. Ill reevaluate whether to put them back up later.

Post 45- Resuming Blogging

Dear Journal,

I took a couple days off from blogging because Ive had a lot going on. I had a friend, a dear friend, severely injured in Afghanistan and have been arranging travel plans. In addition to that I have just been a little off lately. Trying to figure some things out and trying to get past this rut I am in. Then, when trying to tweak my layout I managed to somehow get all my words on top of each other and it was unreadable. So I took the blog down to fix the html code. I ended up giving up and going back to the code I had the other day.

I seem to have been uber depressed lately. Ive been hiding. I haven't taken my camera out of the case since October, which for anyone who knows me that's huge. I haven't updated my cooking blog because I haven't been creating new recipes. I just don't care about a lot of things right now and myself is the big one.

On top of everything I have been looking at rehoming my dogs. Im looking into it. Im just not a good dog owner lately. I do the bare minimum. I feed them and let them outside. I occasionally pet on them, but it's not like they deserve. They deserve to be walked and played with. Ive been paying a dog walker but I feel bad about it. So they are getting attention and stuff but just not as much from me.

Im not sleeping. Even with ambient. If I do sleep its one or two hours here and there. My body has been completely run down lately and I just feel out of it. Like Im living my life in a cloud and it's just continuing with or without me.

And I am struggling with some decisions Ive made in the past. I keep asking myself, "What if." What if I had done this differently, what if I was smarter, what if I was prettier what if… What if I had gone this route instead of this one, what if I had married this guy instead of my husband… Just a world of what ifs.

There is not much for certain right now in my life. The only thing I know for sure is that I am not happy, I cant sleep, and I wish I could transport myself. I know that every day is a challenge getting up; every day is a fight with my internal self. I don't really want to talk to anyone, not about anything real, I make myself be around people so that I don't crash and isolate, but in reality I try to keep the conversations about anything more than the regular day to day stuff at a minimal.

I have chosen friends in the past that use me, lie to me, and are horrible people because that is all I thought I deserved. I spent a lot of time with them, allowing myself to allow them to tear my down. Maybe I was scared of who I could be if I was challenged to actually share my strengths, I don't know. But I have gotten rid of them and I have good people in my life who do treat me right but I keep them at arm's length. Because, I cant be torn down anymore than where I am at right now, and I do not have the energy or the strength to build up. So Im going to stay where I am at for a while and just keep breathing, even that takes every ounce of energy I have.

I feel like a robot. I am going through the motions, wearing a mask of indifference. It will have to stay this way for awhile because Im not ready, I don't have the strength, to do much else right now.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Post 44- Friday Night Fun

Today was so much fun. The morning started with hanging out with my Amandas, Heather and the kiddos. I made a pot of homemade chilli and some homemade banana bread pudding. Turned out pretty good if I say so myself. I love watching the kiddos run around. The boys were playing sort of a ring around the rosie type game, without holding hands, and theyd both just fall to the ground and giggle. So sweet. Hearing the kids laughter always makes me feel good.

Later that afternoon Melissa, Amanda and I made impromptu plans. We went out to dinner at the Japanese hibachi grill that we had gone to the day the guys deployed to Afghanistan. It was really yummy. I had a new alcoholic drink, cant remember what it was called, but it was plum wine and sprite. Really delicious but didn't taste like alcohol.

After dinner we weren't quite ready to go home yet so we drove to the Golden Bee. It was so packed and the wait was long. We decided wed run by the liquor store and just grab something and head back to Amanda's. Well, we never made it back to Amandas house. I didn't anyway! Across the street from the liquor store was a hole in the wall Biker's bar. We decided to check it out and stay for one drink instead we stayed about three hours! I put a ten dollar bill in the juke box, didn't realize that we wouldn't be getting change and would have to choose over forty songs! The three of us each picked songs and stood at the bar drinking and dancing. I got drunk.

Those who know me know I am a light weight. I am very much a light weight. So imagine me drinking six Tequila Rose shots (in addition to the two drinks I had with dinner), a kamikaze shot, and a white Russian. In a manner of minutes I was drrruunnnkkk. It was really odd that I got hit on as much as I did. Mostly they were old, smelly men but there was a young Hispanic dude that wanted to give me dancing lessons. He was sort of creepy. I kept talking about my husband and he started talking about his deployed wife, meanwhile, he wanted me to go home with him… Ew. Ew. Ew. Funny story, so the guy came back over after I had shot him down. He asked me if he had any game would I have gone home with him, married or not. I of course said no, I am married, game or not I wouldn't have gone home with you. He asked me if he had game. SO I ask Amanda, does he have game? Well Amanda thought I said, "He is gay." So she high fived me and said, "yay! He is gay!" Not exactly sure why that was a good thing but the poor guy was mortified. It was pretty entertaining.

I realize that I am no longer in college and the fact that I almost never drink means that I should stick to my occasional glass of wine. I'm a bit too old to be getting drunk at a bar, although the memories we made and the fun we had will stick around with me for awhile.

Girls night out was amazing. Next time though, I'm the designated sober driver! I will gladly watch another friend get drunk and help her home because the next day I wont feel like this!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Post 43- Nightmares and Dreams

Last night I blogged about having a horrible night. I want to expand on that because I realized it didn't sound too great. Lately I have really been having sleep issues. Ive been having issues with nightmares since I was a very little girl. I used to dream that my step father was kidnapping me from my foster homes. I used to dream about the sexual abuse and physical abuse I had endured. I had horrible nightmares. Then, they just stopped. No explanation. The nightmares just went away. They would reappear around the times I would be the most stressed out and overwhelmed. Sometimes I would remember them, sometimes Id be told I was having a nightmare by the person waking me up and have no recollection of what I was dreaming. The war nightmares started before KC deployed. I had a couple nightmares about him being tortured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Then, after watching "Brothers" the movie with Natalie Portman the dreams got worse.

I had issues sleeping to begin with. It is just hard for me to fall asleep. A million thoughts curse me at night. My brain starts and never wants to stop. KC always said I wait until bed to want to talk about things and we need to go to bed earlier. It is horrible. I could lie in bed until two or three am before falling asleep. Then, after our first causality and the subsequence injuries I started hearing things and being paranoid. Every time a car pulled in my driveway at night I would fear it was casualty notification coming. Every time my phone would get a text or call I was scared it was someone notifying me that KC was injured. I worried over the littlest things, meanwhile telling myself no news is good news.

A couple nights ago I had a terrible dream. It was vivid and so real. It absolutely freaked me out. I dreamt KC was captured by the Taliban and they had kidnapped me. I was forced to kneel under a large wooden beam that they had him tied to as they tortured him. I wont go into the gruesome things that they did but I can tell you that what happened in my dream could be the movie Saw to shame. I was kneeling there and he was constantly made to look at me, they would dump water on his head and prod him and force him to stare at me, and I couldn't look away. If I closed my eyes or moved my head they would torture him worse. They were torturing him and using me to do it. They cut off each of his fingers and theyd fall around me, and my body was covered in his blood. I was screaming, begging them to stop torturing him and they wouldn't.

I woke up shaking and sobbing into the pitch black night. My male dog actually woke me up, he was licking my face, licking the tears away. I gasped for breath, I was crying so hard I was almost hyperventilating.

I didn't go to bed again for almost 48 straight hours. I was a mess.

The doctor gave me ambien to sleep. But now I am in this weird place. If I take it the dreams I have are so vivid, so real, sometimes they are good and sometimes they are bad. It is like flipping a coin and hoping it lands heads up. If I don't take it there is a good possibility I wont be able to fall asleep, or if I do it is sporadic throughout the night, and I may only get two or three hours of sleep all together. I am sort of in a bind. I have tried everything you can think of to get to sleep. Hot bathes, hot tea, warm milk, natural herbs and supplements, massages, candles, prayer, mediation, etc etc etc. I had posted about having issues sleeping on facebook awhile back and had tons of ideas thrown my way and I tried each and everyone before giving in in October and going to the doctor. That is when he gave me the ambien.

Last night I was so frustrated. I was going back and forth about whether or not I wanted to go to bed, whether or not I wanted to sleep. When I have good dreams I have great dreams. I don't want to wake up and I am disappointed when I do. I want to stay in bed, under the warm covers, and continue the dream I had, that's what I meant by I don't want to wake up by the way, no I am not suicidal. When I wrote that I meant what I said, sometimes I don't want to wake up. I don't want the dream to end.

But when I have nightmares it rocks me. I wake up and I am so sad, scared, anxious, depressed that I cant go back to sleep. That the mere idea of sleep makes my heart race. I don't go upstairs, don't go near my bed. I stay awake until my body shuts down or I am too exhausted to stay awake any longer.

After my last nightmare I didn't go near a bed for two days. I didn't sleep on the couch either. I kept myself going and going. It was funny because at some point I got a second wind and when I should have been really tired I found myself with a lot of energy. Day three though my body had enough and I had to go to sleep. So I did. I don't remember dreaming anything that night.

Now I fight myself over sleeping. Last night was a good dream, a very very good dream. I had a good day today, hung out with some friends, had a girls lunch that lasted four hours. Went shopping. Made a yummy dinner for Mandi and I. Then went back to Amanda's and had ice cream and watched Grays Anatomy. It was a good day. I just wish I had a way to guarantee my dreams tonight will be good. Do I take the pills and face having horrible nightmares, I mean I do have nightmares without the pills but never so vivid. Its almost like the pill makes the dreams appear in high def or something. Do I not take the pill and face tossing and turning all night, every noise being an intruder, every car door being casualty notification?

It is so frustrating.

I just want to be able to sleep, without horrible nightmares, for eight straight hours without waking up five or six times a night. Really. That's all I want.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Post 42- Give up

Im just in the mood to give up.

Give up what you ask?


I just don't give a damn anymore.

I'm having a bad night. I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling. Did I mention I hate this feeling? Urgh.

Did I mention it's a bad night?

So Im going to bed.

Maybe Ill wake up on the right side.

Or maybe I won't wake up at all.

No Ill wake up.

I always do.

Even when I don't want to.

Even when I want to stay asleep.

Cause sleep is good.

Sleep is the best thing in my life right now.

I like to sleep.

Goodnight all.

Tomorrow will be better.

It has to be better.




Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Post 41- I Carry Your Heart

i carry your heart with me

i carry it in my heart

i am never without it

anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling

i fear no fate

for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

i carry it in my heart
—-E. E. Cummings