Post 52- Judging

Dear Journal,

I know people are going to judge me for what I write on here. I understand that. On Monday's Biggest Loser one of the trainers was working with a contestant. She said to him that he would never heal if he never got the past out, he had to stop keeping it inside. You have to get it out in order to get through it and move on. I believe that completely. Maybe some people wont do it as publically as this, but for me, it's a good healing tool and it really helps me to know that maybe there is one other person out there who feels the same way.

More importantly, it gives people an insight to me. Because I would never be able to talk about this stuff face to face. I would never be able to say half the stuff I write without crumbling down and sobbing, or without getting sidetracked. If people read it and choose to take it the wrong way, or judge me for it, that is just fate saying we weren't supposed to be friends anyway.

I am insecure. I am scared. I am depressed right now. I have horrible body image and self esteem. I have had inappropriate friendships, I have been self destructive. I will be writing about some of these things. I have had thoughts that I shouldn't have had. I am not the ideal rolemodel. I get that.

With everything going on right now, with all the problems I do have, I do know one thing for sure. I am a good person. I love with all I have, I hold nothing back. I am loyal. I don't cheat on my husband, physically or emotionally, I am loyal to my friends, and I would give anything I have to help them out. I know that I am passionate, crazy creative, and I care. I care too much. I care to a fault.

So, judge me as much as you want to judge. Say I am crazy. Say I need help. Say I am ugly. I don't really care. Right now, especially, I am numb. I am fighting through all this and it takes every ounce of energy I have to do it. If you want to judge me, judge me. I will continue to write, I will continue to get this out and you can read if you want. You can make fun of me. You can show the world how immature, selfish and ridiculous you are and I will show the world what is inside of me. Beautiful or ugly, it will be truth and raw. Its who I am and what I am right now. Its all I have to give. If you want to take it, twist it, judge it, and throw it back out there its your progativie.

I cant control you. I can only control how I respond to you.

And I am responding by continuing to blog.