Friday, February 18, 2011

Post 50- Obtainable Beauty?

Dear Journal,

I struggle with huge self esteem issues. I know my husband tells me I am beautiful but I don't believe him. I think perhaps I am beautiful in his eyes but I am not in mine. Every time I look at myself I see something wrong. A huge nose, uneven eyes, a small mouth proportionate to my face, fat rolls, huge breast that droop, my teeth are crooked, there is very little I like about my physical appearance.
There are some things that are obtainable. I can change the color, length, style, and texture of my hair. I can work out (which I have been doing a lot!) to change the weight of my body. I can wear clothes that accentuate the good curves and hide the bad. I can go to the dentist and have my teeth fixed.

But what do you do about the parts you don't like? Grow to love them? Accept them? Change them? I don't think I will ever get plastic surgery. The costs for cosmetic, elective surgery, is through the roof. I cant afford it and I don't think my husband will ever let me.

Then there is the other factor: what if it is mental? I look at Heidi Montag and all the surgeries she had. Is she truly happy with them? What if I had a nose job and I still hated it? Then what? Get another nose job? When do you get accustomed and happy in your skin? How do you?

I don't know. I always feel like the ugliest person in our group. I always feel like when we go out Im the ugly, fat, girl on the side that makes everyone else look better. I wonder sometimes, if people really know how they look. Is anyone actually comfortable with how they look? Does anyone ever really think they are beautiful? I have girlfriends that I think are drop dead gorgeous but when I tell them that they tell me they have their own insecurities too. Is that something that just comes with being a girl?

I am so tired of being fat. Ive been working my butt off, literally, my friends say I dont have a butt left, trying to get into a shape I like, other than round. I currently weigh 172lbs. I was 230 at my heaviest. I would like to be in the 140s or lower. I have a personal trainer that I am paying hundreds of dollars to work out with. I am working out and working on nutrition. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food right now. But it is something I recognize and am trying to fix. I hate everything about my body. Everything. There is not a single spot on it that I like. My cottage cheese, flabby, disgusting body makes me gag, literally. How do you get over it outside of fixing it? Will I ever be happy with it? Can I get to the point of acceptance? I dont know. 

I just know how I feel. I feel ugly, awkward, misshaped. I feel out of place in my skin. I look in the mirror and what I see doesn't match how I feel. I don't understand. And to top everything off with all the stress going on I am breaking out like a thirteen year old.

I wonder if I will ever come to truly accept that this is who I am and this is who I am going to be? Will I ever be happy looking at myself?

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