Thursday, February 10, 2011

Post 45- Resuming Blogging

Dear Journal,

I took a couple days off from blogging because Ive had a lot going on. I had a friend, a dear friend, severely injured in Afghanistan and have been arranging travel plans. In addition to that I have just been a little off lately. Trying to figure some things out and trying to get past this rut I am in. Then, when trying to tweak my layout I managed to somehow get all my words on top of each other and it was unreadable. So I took the blog down to fix the html code. I ended up giving up and going back to the code I had the other day.

I seem to have been uber depressed lately. Ive been hiding. I haven't taken my camera out of the case since October, which for anyone who knows me that's huge. I haven't updated my cooking blog because I haven't been creating new recipes. I just don't care about a lot of things right now and myself is the big one.

On top of everything I have been looking at rehoming my dogs. Im looking into it. Im just not a good dog owner lately. I do the bare minimum. I feed them and let them outside. I occasionally pet on them, but it's not like they deserve. They deserve to be walked and played with. Ive been paying a dog walker but I feel bad about it. So they are getting attention and stuff but just not as much from me.

Im not sleeping. Even with ambient. If I do sleep its one or two hours here and there. My body has been completely run down lately and I just feel out of it. Like Im living my life in a cloud and it's just continuing with or without me.

And I am struggling with some decisions Ive made in the past. I keep asking myself, "What if." What if I had done this differently, what if I was smarter, what if I was prettier what if… What if I had gone this route instead of this one, what if I had married this guy instead of my husband… Just a world of what ifs.

There is not much for certain right now in my life. The only thing I know for sure is that I am not happy, I cant sleep, and I wish I could transport myself. I know that every day is a challenge getting up; every day is a fight with my internal self. I don't really want to talk to anyone, not about anything real, I make myself be around people so that I don't crash and isolate, but in reality I try to keep the conversations about anything more than the regular day to day stuff at a minimal.

I have chosen friends in the past that use me, lie to me, and are horrible people because that is all I thought I deserved. I spent a lot of time with them, allowing myself to allow them to tear my down. Maybe I was scared of who I could be if I was challenged to actually share my strengths, I don't know. But I have gotten rid of them and I have good people in my life who do treat me right but I keep them at arm's length. Because, I cant be torn down anymore than where I am at right now, and I do not have the energy or the strength to build up. So Im going to stay where I am at for a while and just keep breathing, even that takes every ounce of energy I have.

I feel like a robot. I am going through the motions, wearing a mask of indifference. It will have to stay this way for awhile because Im not ready, I don't have the strength, to do much else right now.

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