Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Post 48- Help

Do you ever feel like crying out for help, screaming for help? Because something is so wrong and you recognize the need to get help before it gets worse? Then when you do make the call, the several hour call, and you are one step closer to getting help you find yourself just so upset with the system? That is where I am at right now. I am so frustrated that Ive been trying so hard to get help right now. I know I need it. I know I am depressed. Im angry. Im bitter. I am so terrified of who/what I am becoming. I am isolating myself and I am scared. Very scared.

I called Military One Source, was on the phone for hours with them a couple weeks back just to get help with something going on right now, I called at a friends house and they heard the frustration of question after question after question. They approved a certain number of counseling hours for a specific issue. I called the counseling agency, about a dozen times now, to set up an appointment. I have yet to speak to a human. Each time it has been a recording. I leave messages. I have gotten one call back, at 459pm while I was in the doctor for a cracked rib. And guess what? They closed at five. Ive called and called and called. I do not want to call Military One Source back because I do not have the energy to sit on the phone with several people, keep being transfered and have to answer the same billion questions again. I do not have the time or energy for it. Especially the energy.

I give up. I completely give up.

Right now I am void of emotions. I am numb. I am exhausted. I cant do this anymore. I need help. Why cant I get it? Why is it so hard?! I just NEED help before its too late and I cant get myself out of this feeling, past my walls or through any of this.

I feel like I am screaming FIRE in a room full of people and no one is listening, hearing me, or trying to put the fire out.

Its not my friends faults. I have been isolating myself, or not talking about things, or just smiling and pretending things are ok. I dont have a mother or family to realize its not, its not like they notice. My husband when I talk to him asks me "what is wrong" about a billion times, but I dont tell him, because he is in Afghanistan and there is not anything he could do to help, and I dont want to make him stressed.

Where does that leave me? Jogging at night in the bitter cold to Eminem and wishing I had a black hole to crawl into and just stay for awhile.

The courage it took me to write this... well it took a lot. So please dont blast me with hate emails. Id appreciate it. You can shake your heads and say, "I knew she was crazy." I'm ok with that. Because quite frankly I dont give a damn what anyone thinks about me anymore, because I dont give a damn about myself.