Saturday, June 25, 2011
Hello! Maybe I am "self absorbed" because all that I have had for TWELVE months is MYSELF. No phone calls. Do you know how much I would have LOVED for someone/anyone to have just called for no other reason than to check on me, or say they love me, or say they were thinking of me? NO ONE has done that this year. NO ONE. Not a single friend or relative. It has always been another reason for calling. I didn't get any letters, cards, emails, or phone calls just to see how I am doing. Because I am that damn strong.
So don't even tell me I am self absorbed right now. I have been forced to be self absorbed. All I do is do for other people. Period. Cook them meals, get their mail, pet sit, babysit, housesit, help with homework/housework/errands, etc etc. Do you know how RARE it is that someone wants to hang out JUST TO HANG OUT? But I continue to bend over backwards for every damn person in my physical life. To the point where I wasn't doing my things. I wasn't eating right, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't cleaning, I wasn't taking care of myself because every second of everyday was taking care of someone else.
I take damn good care of my husband. His needs ALWAYS come first. Always. That will never change. His emotional and physical needs. But when he deployed I lost my confidant. This entire deployment I have had NO ONE, I mean NO one to talk to about whats going on in my life. My best friend has issues going on and I don't want to bug her with my things, my husband is in Afghanistan and I cant bug him with it. Who does that leave? No one. No one that I could go to with everything going on.
Lets pretend for a second that getting a counselor is easy… which after trying FIVE FUCKING TIMES, it is not. It is incredibly difficult unless I want to pay hundreds of dollars out of pocket, even if I did and was able I would spend most of the sessions just catching the counselor up in everything, before even getting to the present. And that is a pain in the ass and not something I feel like doing. But you cant understand why/how I think the way I do now without knowing about the past.
And I don't live in the fucking past. To those of you who do not know me and who it is obvious don't know me, I don't. I live in the present and the future. For instance, I still to this day get told I am ugly. It is not a past issue, it is a current issue. How would you feel if you found out a group of soldiers were sitting around talking about the wives in the unit and ranked them on physical appearance and you came in last, or a soldier came over and pointed to a photo on your wall and said, "Wow, you used to be pretty what happened?"
The present right now? Sucks for me. I have no one. That has not changed. I still don't have a loving family, and I didn't marry into one either. Its obvious they love my husband and tolerate me. But when your husband is deployed for a year and no one checks on you, no one cares enough to call, no one bothers to take a minute out of their day, actions speak louder than words.
Case in point: Volunteer of the quarter award. I went in, got it awarded to me and left. No pictures, no friends, no one there for me. Even though Ive been there for dozens of people, no one could bother to come support me in getting that. Not that Im surprised.
I am not living in the past, I am living in the present. And I tried and tried and tried to change it and change my life over the years. And there were times when I felt like I had, there were times I felt like I had a support group and love in my life, and for short periods of time felt like maybe I was lovable.
The one thing I learned this deployment is that I am not lovable and I was stupid to ever think otherwise. I will never have a support group that cares, all I will ever have is disposable, people who find me disposable, as long as they need me they will be in my life but as soon as they don't they will be gone.
I love my husband dearly, but there are many many occasions where I feel it is one sided.
And, to end this rant, lately, it is all I can do to just survive life. I cant give any more energy to it. I don't have any left to give. I just go, day by day, until the day God, or whoever the hell is out there, decides its my last day.
Because, frankly, if you don't have that love in your life, you don't have a reason to enjoy it.
No children, no family, and a husband who has his own issues knowing how to love and how to accept people. Yeah, Im on the right track.
at 8:29 PM