Trying

I have been working hard at trying to be more positive. I finally got a medication that works for sleep but doesn’t make me crazy like the ambien did. It’s actually an old anti-depressant that they don’t use for that anymore, but they use it for sleep because the old ones had a tranquilizing property to them. Anyway, it’s working. Im sleeping good and not having the weird drugged feeling afterwards. Sleep can make all the difference.

I started to try to get out again. I haven’t done anything big, but I did go to a Scentsy party and two bbqs. 

The thing is, I really have a hard time relaxing at events. I am always on guard, my walls up and reinforced, in addition I constantly wonder if Im doing ok. Am I talking too much? Am I being too pushy? Do they like me? 

I concentrate so much on what Im doing, what Im saying that I don’t really relax enough to enjoy the event, or to let them know the real me. Im too scared to open up, not after this year. I cant do it.

I was glad I got out and got around people. It was nice to just have that energy around me.  I love babies and toddlers, they make me laugh and I know they aren’t judging me or analyzing my behavior (although others probably aren’t nearly as much as I do it to myself) so I really enjoyed holding the babies and snuggling. It’s such a natural feeling. I don’t even mind changing poopy diapers, at all. It doesn’t bother or hinder me one bit. 

I think people are confused when I just change their child but they always seem happy that I did, lol.

So just wanted to say Ive been trying harder to be more social.