Sunday, June 26, 2011

What can I do for you?

Since I am so self absorbed let me list some of the things I have done for people in the last year:

-    Babysit. I have babysat over a dozen children. Sometimes last minute. Sometimes for date night. Sometimes for days at a time. I have received zero dollars for this. A rough estimate that I just did was over 200 hours of babysitting. I have never received a gift card, a dinner, a thank you card, or even a dollar for this. I have dropped everything for many families and done this.

-    Errands. I have picked up medication, mail, packages, groceries as well as many other random items for people. Picked kids up, taken them to appointments, taken animals to appointments, picked kids up from daycare/school, watched them for parents etc. Again, nothing in return. (Except a friend recently who bought me Starcbucks J )

-    Animal sitting. I have pet sit four dogs, two cats and a fish. Some for really long periods of time. Again, nothing in return.

-    Taken care of sick friends/children. Constantly. Picked up people from docs/dentist/ sat with them at doc/dentist/er.

-    Cooked meals for people when they were sick.

-     Taken family photo shoots.

-    Picked people up and transported them while their vehicles broken/at repair shops.

-    Opened my home and car to people for long periods of time who had nowhere else to go.

-    Loaned hundreds of dollars out to friends in need.

-    Paid utility bills for friends who couldn't afford them.

-    Bought groceries for a friend who couldn't afford them at the time.

-    Write letters to companies

-     Proof papers for college

-    Do projects/papers

-    Make phone calls

This list could go on and on for days. In short I have spent countless hours giving to people. And I don't even get a phone call in return. One family specifically I feel betrayed by. I was there and did so much during the deployment for them and then bam, husband's home and I am written off. I want to be clear. I have never ever asked for anything in return, charged anyone, nor do I want to. I am simply stating that for being a self absorbed person I sure seem to do a LOT for other people.

I feel completely used and betrayed right now. I have some dental work that needs done but has to wait until KC comes home. Because, there isn't anyone I can ask to pick me up that I would trust would actually be there. People make appointments all the time and AFTER they make the appointment call and expect me to be there. If I do that everyone is busy and there has been twice this deployment when the car has needed timely repairs and I have sat at the repair shop for over eight hours because the people who were supposed to pick me up "forgot and made other plans". There is a medical procedure they wanted me to get done for the past six months, but yeah, I need a ride afterwards. I am the first person people call because I am reliable and I don't have kids, but God forbid I need something in return.

I stopped asking because I was tired of being told no. I stopped asking because I was tired of being reminded how low on everyone's list I am. And the few times I have had someone do something for me it ended up with me feeling like shit for asking, being told what an inconvenience I am, etc. I can do it myself or it won't get done. That is how I am now and that is not changing. I will never again open up or rely on anyone. Ever.

People fail. I get that. But I am tired of people failing me. I do everything in my power not to fail other people but I am not on that list for anyone else.

So, now I don't ask for help. If I don't ask I wont get turned down.

Now, I don't invite people to anything. Why, if I don't invite them they wont make excuses not to come.

I received an email recently from a new friend who told me she didn't understand why I thought I was so negative, I had never been negative around her and she always had fun when I am around. This is because I make surface friends, I go, have fun, laugh and appear happy. Because, I can, for short periods of time have fun and be happy. I can enjoy my time with people, and I do. I am not a debby downer at events and dramatic, and depressed like I am on my blog. She didn't get the difference between my blog posts and my in person personality.

The difference is, my blog is my deep down feelings. How I perceive things, how I think about things, what I feel. Things I don't feel confident or ballsy enough to bring t the table in real life. And I acted the way I feel no one would want to hang out with me, and I really can enjoy moments and I do. I do have fun, I do laugh, I just don't get too close.

Then I go home. And I am stuck with my insecurities and failures staring me in the face.

Someday I will grow more balls and be able to face the one thing that I wish I could face. But until then this is it.

and I feel faceless... like a vessel to be used.

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