Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I debated all afternoon whether or not to publish the second comment left today by “Anonymous” but went ahead and posted it. I would like to think I am a strong, wonderful woman who wouldn’t let ignorant immature little girls bother me. But, I am a very sensitive person and words hurt me. They always have. I internalize the things said to me, even hateful things, and let them get to me. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could simply let mean things roll off my shoulders. That is not who I am. I really was hurt by what she said. I’m not writing this as a hate-filled way to get back at her. I am writing this to get my feelings out.
Here is the comment. It is posted on my previous post.
Because you are cowardly and you write as “anonymous” I can only jump to assumptions over who you are. Based on a few keys that you left in your comments and the fact that you are on the West Coast leaving comments from an I-phone it sealed my guess. I have also since deleted the only mutual connection we had left off of my Facebook, obviously she was not trustworthy. I can’t phantom being a person who says such hateful things to another person. The things you have said I would never imagine saying, no matter how much I disliked a person, let alone while declaring Christ as my savior in the same breath.
I don’t need to explain myself to you. I am putting this out there because you did bring up a few good questions in between the lines of your hatred. Why do I choose to keep getting pregnant after so many losses? The doctors have not been able to determine why we are miscarrying. Each pregnancy has been different. In 2007 we had a stillbirth. Losing a pregnancy at 26 weeks is extremely traumatic and the reason we own our dogs. Healing from that was hard. All of the medical tests ran on me and the autopsy on my baby came back with no medical explanation. My husband and myself have had every medical test known to man ran on us in hopes to figure out why we loose babies. We have had our chromosomes and dna studied. There is no medical reason for the constant losses. If a doctor looked at me and told me that there was no possibility of having a life birth I would get my tubes tied. Instead, they give us hope. Because they cant find a reason for the deaths they all agree that it is possible for us to have a baby. Maybe, someday, I will give up that hope. Do I think, if there is a God, he is punishing me for getting pregnant? No. I do not. I think if he exists he knows my heart and he knows my soul, and if he exist he knows that we have nothing but the best of intentions in each try. We never get pregnant without a lot of thought and soul searching.
After each loss we heal. We allow my body and our emotions to heal. We waited 20 months between miscarriages this time around. We had medical supervision during the entire process. I had my first ultrasound two weeks post conception. Every step of the way we were monitored. We did everything, and I would do anything, to keep the baby alive. All of them. To say that I would get pregnant knowing the baby would die is to admit that you don’t know me.
I am a woman who lives off of emotion. Right or wrong, that is who I am. I love deeply and connect instantly. The second I find out I am pregnant, I am attached and that baby is mine, my son or my daughter, my baby. I love that baby as much as I love anything and would without thought give my life up for a baby to be born. It is not easy for me when they die. This was our earliest miscarriage at nine weeks, and it was the only miscarriage where we did not hear a heartbeat. It did not matter. I still connected with the soul inside of me. I am broken over this loss. I feel like a failure, I am disappointed, I am sad, I am hurting because for some reason or another I was yet again unable to carry a baby to term.
A person who has an abortion makes the choice to end the child’s life. I did not make that choice. I made the choice to wait, to do everything possible to save the child. To compare me to a woman who aborts babies is heartless. To say that I get pregnant for attention knowing I will lose the baby is idiocy. I got pregnant and then went through an extensive major surgery for attention. I wanted my cervix cut open, I wanted large pieces of tissue which was imbedded in my uterus to be cut out, I wanted my entire uterus to be scraped with a knife all while under anesthesia, with a tube down my throat, all for attention. You got me.
You words only hurt me in one way. Because part of them echo something I feel. I feel guilty when we miscarry. I feel like I did something wrong. I feel like I hurt an innocent soul. When I become pregnant I do worry a lot about whether the baby will live or not. Sometimes, I do feel horrible and wonder if I am not doing something wrong in continuing to try for a child. These are fleeting thoughts, but they still hurt me. Do I feel like I am killing these children? In a way. Because I do not know what is causing them to die. I do, “What if”. What if I had eaten something different, what if I took a certain medication, what if… but when it comes down to it I do whatever I can to have a successful pregnancy. But, I know in my heart and soul that I have done everything possible to provide for this life growing inside of me. We plan out each pregnancy and prepare months in advance for them.
The link you posted with the photos of the dead babies. You know, maybe some people should follow the link, and see what a baby looks like at six weeks pregnant. Because a lot of people think its just tissues, its not. It’s a baby. They look like a human and it is soul destroying to have to burry children. I lost a baby at 26 weeks. I don’t think I need to put into words what that did to me. But, loosing even this one, at nine weeks, was difficult. You might have wanted to shock me with the photos, but you couldn’t. I’ve had bad d&cs where I have lost parts out of me and seen them. Going through it is much more traumatizing then the cleaned up photos on the website. In fact, Im glad they are there, maybe it can help people see that we have babies in us, not fetuses, not tissues but babies, even as early as six weeks they are babies.
All I saw in your comment was a cowardly desperate little girl who can’t walk away. Who is so miserable in her own life she has to stalk and hurt others. Who doesn’t get the love she needs so she goes out of her way to bring others down. I don’t know what I did to hurt you so badly but I am sorry. I forgive you for your behavior and I hope that it is just bad behavior and that you are not a bad person. You won’t get another response out of me. Write away, but your comments will be deleted. In addition, I’ve turned them in and your IP address will be blocked from writing comments. I won’t stop blogging because of your hatred, and I’m not changing my settings, because I know my blogs have helped and touched people from around the world. I’ve gotten the email responses from strangers letting me know that. Maybe some day my words will show you that you don’t have to live a bitter, hate filled life. Who knows. What I do know is you just received your last bit of attention from me.
You know, I have a hard time with love. I don’t believe I am lovable. I don’t even love myself. But, I love others, with all I have. I give everything I have to help and better other people, the society I am in, and to be a good person. I haven’t figured out how to define being a good person. To me, being a good person is treating others how you would want to be treated. To me, a good person is honest, loyal to those she cares about, caring. A good person never intentionally brings pain to anyone, is strong enough to stand up for what she believes is right, doesn’t walk away when injustice is done, protects those weaker then she is. A good person puts other people first. A good person only allows words to escape her mouth that she would want said to her. A good person is there for others when they need them, and can anticipate the need ahead of time because they are paying attention to those in their lives. A good person forgives the ills done to them, learns from their past, and tries every day to better themselves. I’m not perfect nor do I have all of this down yet, but I do try very hard to do these things regularly.
More then anything when I die I want people to say, “She was a good person.”
at 9:11 PM