Surgery.

Surgery. That’s all I can say right now. I can’t vocalize that I am no longer pregnant. I can’t say that we lost a baby. All I can say is that I had surgery.

When we were walking around Disney I felt so very pregnant. My HCG levels were high and right where they were supposed to be. So, I was having morning sickness, tender breasts, and exhaustion. Just like a normal pregnancy. Not that I know what a normal pregnancy is. Every pregnancy I have had has ended in heartbreak.

I was cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy. It was weird how protective I was of my stomach; I’m not sure if it’s natural or not. You know when your driving and you slam on the breaks and your arm goes out to protect the person in the seat next to you? That’s how I was with my pregnant belly. I found my hand over my stomach when in large crowds or being jostled around, protecting the baby.

Its sad I don’t even get excited anymore when we find out we are pregnant. I get terrified. This pregnancy was our shortest ever, but the most complex and dangerous.

I know my body will heal faster than my heart.  My heart is broken.

I refuse to believe in a god who continuously punishes those who had been loyal to him and then reward horrible women with children. I know many pregnant women right now and some of them I am happy for. Others, I am so upset about. One gave her son to her parents while her husband was deployed and snidely said, “I guess I better get to know my son before his father gets home.” And picked him up two weeks before deployment ended. She is a horrible mother who literally had her child to trap the man into being with her. She faked a pregnancy so he would have unprotected sex with her, then when she was really pregnant convinced him to marry her. Now, she is pregnant again because he wanted a divorce. She said if she had a second child the child support would be more then he could handle and would stay with her and keep her lifestyle up.

Not to mention everyday there is a child abuse/murder story on the news. Recently it was about a boy who was denied water for five days and died. People who already have ten children in the system who have another. People who cant afford the children they do have. People who neglect, abuse and use children. Child rapist. They can mass produce but people like us, who have the money, the time, and the space for a child can’t have one. The desires of my heart are to have a family, a BIOLOGICAL child of ours. While we do want to adopt, I have always had the need for a biological child.

Ive spent my entire life not having anything normal. Ive never had a normal experience, a happy one. Graduations, proms, wedding, family, love. Ever. All Ive ever wanted was to carry a baby, experience the joy of birth, and love that baby with everything I have. I have been wanting that experience for as long as I can imagine.

Now that I am 28 years old and watching really young Army wives have no problems having babies while we have struggled and struggled… its hard. I am happy for my friends, but it doesn’t make it easy, doesn’t make it less emotional.

I have found myself pulling away from people who only surround themselves with others with kids. I don’t fit into those groups. I don’t want to be at a baby shower where I am the only one without kids. I don’t want to be at a BBQ where I am the only childless one there, and the only conversation is kids. I don’t want to hang out in a group where the only thing the women have in common are their children and their children’s age, and all they talk about is diapers, clothing, teething etc.

I thought women with children liked adult time for adult conversation? With one of my groups of friends who my husband and I hung out with this weekend it was great. The kids where there, and adorable, but that wasn’t the topic of conversation. Real life, common interest and adult things. I didn’t feel like I had to give advice on diaper rash cream.

Don’t get me wrong. I love kids and I love my friend’s kids. I don’t mind hanging out in mixed groups, or in groups where we are talking about adult things. But I refuse to hang out in playgroups where it is obvious the only thing in common is kids. It’s a kick in the stomach, “look at you, childless. A failure in the woman department. Look what you could have. Why is that freak here? She doesn’t even have kids. How does she fit in?” I don’t want to be pitied or sympathy.

Wow. I got totally off topic here. I did that on purpose. Im not ready to talk about the outcome of the surgery yet. This is my way of avoiding that topic, avoiding concreting the pain into words. Right now I am in a lot of pain. And its hard for me to see people who get handed everything while I have struggled for just the basics. I wanted a loving mother. I will never have that. I will never know what its like to have a mother care about me. I wanted a family who cared if I lived or died. I wanted long lasting friendships that I could look back on and laugh over memories from childhood. They died. Ok. I grew, I loved, I forgave. I realized I couldn’t change the past, I couldn’t have the family I had yearned for, the relationships I craved, or any of my dead friends back, but I could have children. I could do ONE normal thing, one blessed experience, I could be like everyone else and be able to have a child. But I cant.

And there is no reason. NONE. No medical reason for why this keeps happening to us.