Sunday, September 11, 2011

Having a hard night





I am really having a hard time tonight. I have these hormones running through my body and all the pregnancy feelings but I won’t have a baby at the end of the day. Instead all Ill have is pain and sadness. It is not fair. It is not fair how I watch these other women pop out babies like its nothing. It is not fair that I fail at everything. I get it, life is not fair. But this is ridiculous. Life is not fair. I get that. Believe me, of all people, I get that. Ive had to fight for everything in my life. I can materialize parents, a loving family, a childhood of laughter. I cant bring my friends back to life. I cant end wars. Life isn’t fair. I understand. But what did I do that was so terrible that makes karma, fate, God, whatever the hell is out there, hate me and target me this much? Ive had more then my share of bad things happen. Why do they KEEP happening? When is it my turn for a break when is it my turn? Did I do something horrible in a past life? Did I kill a bus full of children? What did I DO??

 As a child we are told we can be/do anything if we put our mind to it. That’s bullshit. We cant. I cant make my body accept and carry a baby to term.

I am so frustrated that teams and dozens of doctors over eight years haven’t been able to figure out it. Theres nothing wrong. Nothing they can find. Test after test, surgery after surgery, invasive procedure after… you get the point. And all show up NORMAL.

No excuse, no reason for it.

Do you know what its like to see the ultrasound and see a baby? To hear/see a healthy heartbeat? To make it to the second trimester and then have to deliver a dead baby?

A horrible woman looked at me and told me if she was inside my womb shed kill herself too.

Well, I guess out of all of this that is the only thing that makes sense. Medicine cant figure out why a healthy baby, with a healthy heartbeat, and with healthy hormones just dies. No chromosome issue. No DNA issue. No heart issue. They did an autopsy. Nothing wrong.

Apparently something’s wrong. Babies don’t want me as a mother. Is that it? Am I being punished for something? Why am I hated so much?

You know, it makes sense. I believe with all of my heart that I am unlovable. I can love like there is no tomorrow but I know I cant be loved. Sure, people can care for me, but they all wake up eventually and realize the truth. I suppose then one can deduce if I cant be loved and babies love unconditionally and love starts in the soul, babies have souls at conception… so if I cant be loved, a baby cant love me, thus cant survive in my womb. Is that it? I think it must be. Nothing else makes sense.


4 comments:

  1. Your retarded. Year after year you write status message about being pregnant for attention it is obvious. It is a good thing ou don’t believe in god anymore considering your a mass murderer. You are an aborterer. Who gets pregnant half a dozen times and watchs the babies die and says lets get pregnant again. A selfish murdering biatch is who. You know you cant have babies you’ve know that for at least five years yet you keep getting pregnant why for one reason can we say ATTENTION WHORE youd go straight to hell if you did believe in god sinc you keep murdering perfect little souls. Murder is a sin dont you know. Keep writing your poor pitiful me blogs and statses that no one gives a damn bout to keep the attention on you how long will you milk it? Ill get attention when my baby is BORN not killed inside of me due to selfish reasons.

    PS I love your status message about me today. Keep making me famous biatch.

    PSS check out the way your babies look his is what the murder youve caused looks like http://www.documentingreality.com/forum/f10/miscarriage-47087/

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  2. Wow. Somebody's WAY jealous and feeling bad about life decisions THEY'VE made. Must suck to be that guilty, sad and confused all the time. Huh, T? (Oh. That's right. I should probably mention that URL's can be traced. I should probably also say that cyber-harassment is STILL harassment and prosecutable in a court of law. So I suggest you shut your cock holster rather quickly, sweetheart. I'm betting orange isn't your color.

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  3. Wow, I would first like to point out the immaturity of your comment. Secondly, I would like to think that if you're woman enough to post a comment like that you could do it under your name. Thirdly, it would benefit everyone if next time you post you proof read first. Nobody likes to have to add letters to complete a word so that they can read and if you use Firefox it will catch your spelling mistakes. For example status is not spelled with an ES. Leave her alone. If you do not like reading her blogs, StatUS messages, etc then remove yourself from her fb and do not come on her blog. You're a joke and a horrible human. O and my name is Cassie, see I dont have to talk smack behind a post w/o my name ;)

    Bekah, you're amazing don't let anyone get you down!

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  4. First and foremost, Rebekah, you will make a wonderful Mother someday and don't ever doubt that! Don't ever make horrible excuses as to why you are not able to become a mother--we can't see the wind but we know it's there. You don't know why these babies haven't made it all the way (it can't be seen....yet but there's a reason there! Just keep your faith- wherever that leads you.

    In reference to the above posting. Although it initially left me speechless, I was quickly consumed by outrage!
    I take pity on this "anonymous" person who has decided to waste their time in leaving such a harsh comment. To me, it's this "anonymous" person that is the "ATTENTION WHORE!" Who would leave such a comment without EXPECTING (and I am sure eagerly anticipating) some kind of outrage and disbelief by others?! Only someone that is so miserable with their own life and their own decisions that they have to create childish-drama by making incorrect and irrational accusations.
    So for you, "anonymous attention whore." I am sure that you can't wait to read the responses in reference to your ignorant, heartless and meaningless post. While I encourage you to sit back, laugh and act like a complete idiot to cover up your own pain, I ask you to consider this:

    1. If you don't like what you read; don't read it!
    2. Before you decide to make such an ignorant and pathetic post, learn how to use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation! You've just made yourself look even more stupid than you sound!
    3. Learn the difference between an abortion, a miscarriage/stillbirth and a murderer.

    Now that I have completely wasted my time addressing one of the many scum sucking parasites of this earth, I will close by telling YOU, Rebekah, not to let people like this get to you. Misery loves company! ;)

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