Sunday, September 11, 2011
Having a hard night
I am really having a hard time tonight. I have these hormones running through my body and all the pregnancy feelings but I won’t have a baby at the end of the day. Instead all Ill have is pain and sadness. It is not fair. It is not fair how I watch these other women pop out babies like its nothing. It is not fair that I fail at everything. I get it, life is not fair. But this is ridiculous. Life is not fair. I get that. Believe me, of all people, I get that. Ive had to fight for everything in my life. I can materialize parents, a loving family, a childhood of laughter. I cant bring my friends back to life. I cant end wars. Life isn’t fair. I understand. But what did I do that was so terrible that makes karma, fate, God, whatever the hell is out there, hate me and target me this much? Ive had more then my share of bad things happen. Why do they KEEP happening? When is it my turn for a break when is it my turn? Did I do something horrible in a past life? Did I kill a bus full of children? What did I DO??
As a child we are told we can be/do anything if we put our mind to it. That’s bullshit. We cant. I cant make my body accept and carry a baby to term.
I am so frustrated that teams and dozens of doctors over eight years haven’t been able to figure out it. Theres nothing wrong. Nothing they can find. Test after test, surgery after surgery, invasive procedure after… you get the point. And all show up NORMAL.
No excuse, no reason for it.
Do you know what its like to see the ultrasound and see a baby? To hear/see a healthy heartbeat? To make it to the second trimester and then have to deliver a dead baby?
A horrible woman looked at me and told me if she was inside my womb shed kill herself too.
Well, I guess out of all of this that is the only thing that makes sense. Medicine cant figure out why a healthy baby, with a healthy heartbeat, and with healthy hormones just dies. No chromosome issue. No DNA issue. No heart issue. They did an autopsy. Nothing wrong.
Apparently something’s wrong. Babies don’t want me as a mother. Is that it? Am I being punished for something? Why am I hated so much?
You know, it makes sense. I believe with all of my heart that I am unlovable. I can love like there is no tomorrow but I know I cant be loved. Sure, people can care for me, but they all wake up eventually and realize the truth. I suppose then one can deduce if I cant be loved and babies love unconditionally and love starts in the soul, babies have souls at conception… so if I cant be loved, a baby cant love me, thus cant survive in my womb. Is that it? I think it must be. Nothing else makes sense.
at 9:28 PM