Just another day.

I haven’t blogged in awhile because I’ve been “off” lately. Something is definitely not right, physically. I’ve been having a lot of circulation problems, pure exhaustion and eyesight issues, dizziness, off balance etc. Just yesterday I fell twice, cut four of my fingers while cooking, and both my feet were asleep for a large part of the day. I need to make an appointment with the doc.

My fertility appointment was this week and it was a giant let down to me. Mainly because, without even reviewing my records he goes straight to pressing for IVF. Except, unlike most of the corporations he cant guarantee results. In fact he wants to take a dozen eggs and sperm, pair them, remove a cell at three days (make sure it’s a healthy baby and it’s a boy), and insert them one at a time back inside of me and if I miscarry do this four more times. It would take four times to say that it was actually my body rejecting and not the baby. Of course, he is the head of a fertility clinic that mainly does IVF, of course insurance doesn’t pay for any of this, and of course he doesn’t even think it will work but thinks it will give us an answer. That is if I miscarry four times we could then try a surrogate. But, I would have to go through that process up to four times, lose a dozen or more eggs, make a tray full of embryos to experiment on and pay tens of thousands of dollars that instead could go towards a healthy baby that we adopted. I was disgusted with him. It was immediately lets try IVF. The other IVF specialist we have spoken to have adamantly said I was not a good candidate. I felt like I was talking to a used car salesmen instead of a doctor. He didn’t want to discuss finding an answer, or doing medication, or giving me advice on how to naturally conceive, all he wanted to do was go back to IVF. And he referred to pregnancy as “the process” and the baby as “fetus or conception material” Not once did he say the word baby, pregnancy, etc. Everything was scientific, calculated and so cold. He did an exam and ruled out PCOS and Endo but the exam also allowed him to see if my lining and uterus was shaped well to handle IVF. Seriously, without even bothering to read over my charts or anything he has made the expert decision that the best thing for us is to give him thousands of dollars.

IF we ever do IVF I will not use him. I will use the company a friend used or another doctor, the ones who guarantee a baby. Because they actually want you to be able to have a child at the end, not just give them money. I really was disappointed in him. I will have another appointment with him in a couple weeks with my husband this time, but really if he has the same discussion we just had Im done. He didn’t seem at all interested in finding the problem. He kept saying, “lets think outside the box and look at IVF” for every time I asked a question. I asked a girlfriend who used him if she had the same experience and she said no, he helped them with medication. However, she had less miscarriages and hadn’t tried the medication. We tried it once, in the middle of an already failing pregnancy, not in the beginning when your supposed to. It was such a frustrating appointment. My OB did give me another name of a fertility specialist she really likes. So Im going to get a second appointment if my next one is like this one.

We also found out my husbands sister is pregnant. When we told his dad we were pregnant his response, “Again?!” with this tone… but of course her news was his best birthday present. Yeah, be happy for the couple that the male hadn’t worked for years, is addicted to doing marijuana alllll the time, has admittedly lived off the government and confessed that living off the government got them more money then working did, thus the reason she quit her job. In fairness, we haven’t talked to them in over a year, because of the crappy way they treated us, she couldn’t bother to email or write her brother while he was in a war zone, not even a facebook message, either deployment, but could ask me to try to search for a photo that I took years ago. Heres your brother, life on the line, fighting for his country, and you cant take two seconds of your time to shoot him a damn email, or leave a comment on his page, or send him a note, but you can harass me over a photo? Yes. Family values run strong in that line. She had done nothing but manipulate and use us when we were living physically within a driving distance, so needless to say I wasn’t happy. My sister is also pregnant, again. She also lives off the state. Its an interesting place to be in when your siblings can have babies, who do drugs, live in horrible conditions, live off welfare, medical insurance paid for by my tax money, eat their food by my tax money, and overall aren’t nice people but yet when you try and try you end up in disappointment after disappointment. It really sucks.

In addition I have been having a really really hard time lately. I mean, horrific. My counselor said Im depressed, you think? I hate my life. HATE my life. And I hate living. Every single day. I make sure I don’t hang out with people and when I do its far and few between because I don’t want to bring anyone down. Plus everyone knows I talk too much. Im annoying. Im negative. Im self centered. Blah. It doesn’t matter how hard I try people still find ways to either talk shit about me, spread horrible lies (the recent ones are pretty damn hilarious. If your going to hate me hate me for something I did, or have balls to talk to me to my face. I have NEVER in my life blackmailed anyone/anything and if you think I did you apparently don’t know the FACTS of what really happened. Of course not, it would all be third person now wouldn’t it.) and the feeling of being left out is well… Let us not talk about the classless and immature behavior of making sure people know they weren’t included. It is not even high school at that point, its fucking elementary school. Im having a party and your not invited, nananana. Really? How old are we?! Classy people don’t invite people, or follow up on invitations around others that were not invited. Yeah, never said (a majority) of military spouses are classy did we?

To say I am depressed is an understatement. Thank goodness for school. If it wasn’t for the thirty hours a week I am sitting in a class room learning about crime, politics, and defining people’s behaviors and actions I would seriously be wasting away in my bed. It is that much of a chore to get up and going. I am enjoying the fact that all but one of my classes are discussion based: tons of homework and projects, but discussion led. That gives me some human interaction where I don’t have to try to be social.

The gist of the matter is don’t feel like Im ignoring you. I don’t know how to put it, Im ignoring myself. I would rather not put myself out there to be spit on, stomped upon and discarded. So, don’t take it personally. I barely talk to my husband. One night of socializing drains my energy for weeks. Plus every time I sit there and think about everything that went wrong and how I did this this and this wrong, and how even though I tried to engage x, y, or z into conversation they obviously didn’t want to talk or were bored by me.

Im tired of putting myself out there. Actually truth be told Im just plain tired. Tired of waking up, tired of living, tired of day after day of torture. I am tired. No matter what I do it is never good enough, no matter how I act or what I say its twisted and turned. Im fed up of all of it. I just wish I could throw in the towel, but in life, its not that easy. You cant just write your resignation letter and be done. So, Ill keep getting up in the morning, doing what I do, and go to bed at night until my days are done. Pretty much that’s all I can do. I really really really hate my life.

And yes you can say Im bitching but what am I doing to change it? Give me a fucking break. Ive done everything possible to change it, including counseling, school, work, exercise, putting myself out there, being honest and real with people, changing my views and looking at things in a positive light. Guess what? Doesn’t fucking work, nothing does. So don’t tell me to quit bitching. You are welcome to have my life at anytime. When you realize you do not have a single place on earth you feel physically and emotionally safe, not a single one, when you realize you don’t have a single person who honest to God loves you and wouldn’t quickly move on and replace you, when you know your broken and the physical aspects everyone else enjoys cant happen, when you come to the point where every goal, every plan you had you know can never hit fruition, when the only thing in life that you have ever ever wanted, a family, is denied you, when you realize that you’re a horrible human being unworthy of being loved you just live. One day at a time. Because that’s all you can do.