Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I am writing from my phone, Im in bed and too lazy to go get my laptop. All I can hear right now are voices. Voices some mine some others. They are ringing loud and clear in my head.

"You are so ugly."
"Look how fat you are."
"You will never belong."
"You are incapable of ever being loved."
"I wish I had never met you."
"I wish I had never adopted you."
"She was a waste of time and space."
"Why don't you just kill yourself."
"I wish you had died and Jen had lived."
"You don't matter."
"Why are you still here?"
"Your not invited."
"God your stupid."
"No one wants you here. Go home. Oh they don't want you either."
"What's wrong with you?"
"Can't you do anything right?"

It could go on and on. Some nights all I really want is to spare those people unfortunate enough to be in my life from me. Breaking friendships, relationships just to be alone so they aren't stuck being near me. There are nights where I wish I had never made the promise to never take my own life. Well, there are more of those nights then not. I feel like a living walking freak of nature and laws of the universe. Like I know I shouldn't be alive. Hell I've died before. I feel cursed and I feel unlovable. I just really wish I didn't feel as alone as I do and as different. Socially orphaned, physically incapable of the things others have and do.

When you've been abandoned and abused your left to wonder what's next for me. Why am I still here. Then you find a meaning and its taken away and so is the next and the next you start to stop believing in hopes or dreams, you stop reaching for the future. Because it becomes a waiting game for what trial and pain will be next. The pain and the hits keep coming.

Depression is like an emotional cancer that hits remission over and over.
hell what do I know Im not even sure they'll say Im depressed this time either.

All I know is Im tired of life. I see no hope in the future. No matter how I try it never works out. I try to make things better I make them worse. I don't know why I try anymore. I hate myself, my life and its no surprise everyone else hates me as well. I know I was born being hated. Even my own mother tried killing me, the one person who was supposed to love and protect me couldn't stand the sight of me. Why would anyone else. Its hard when people convince themselves of it, until they wake up one day and recognize what I've said all along. You don't love me, you never did.

Voices keeping me awake tonight. Haunting my soul.

Makes me wonder why I was even born. Gods social experiment on how much pain a person can feel before their pushed off a ledge? Im not even sure I believe a God exists.

Cold, dark, damp earth hugging the remains of the physical shell that once a soul was housed in. Is that death? and if so why does that sound better than this alternative?

Im going to try to sleep, try to not let the voices or nightmares haunt my dreams.tomorrow is a new day,tomorrow I get to shell out a lot of money to pay someone to actually listen to me. Not that anything I say matters.

1 comment:

  1. It's really sad for me to read you are feeling this way. But you aren't alone in feeling that way. I know I haven't gone though the trials you have and compared to your life, mine has been pretty rosy. But that doesn't mean I don't feel the same or hear the same voices. There are plenty of times when I wonder if I am depressed. I always seem to make it through the darkness but it comes back rather frequently. If you find a way to make it go away for good, let me know. Until then, just keep holding on, know that you aren't alone in your feelings, and that even if no one else loves you (I know that isn't true. KC loves you) I will always love and admire the strong brave woman you are. I'm glad yo call you my cousin.