Yesterday the weather was gloomy, rainy and cold. Today the weather is sunny and bright. While out shopping with my bestie she had told me that she learned in church that every day is its own day, a fresh start. I thought about that. I have been living in the past a lot lately and more recently have been waking up depressed, nothing has changed from going to bed and waking up, I still don’t have kids running around my house, my husband’s not home from Afghanistan, etc etc. So, last night when I went to bed I was determined to wake up and give today a new chance, make it a blank page to write upon.
Sometimes, I get paranoid. I don’t know if it my gut feeling or if it is paranoia. I feel like there is a group of people who talk about me, mock me behind my back, gossip about me to each other, “Omg Did you see Bekah’s blog?!” and write status messages pertaining to me, but wont openly admit it. I have a feeling some people are on my facebook purely for entertainment and not because they care. It’s a hard feeling to have. I don’t know if its true, and I don’t know if I am just being cynical, but it sucks. If you don’t like me, if you don’t genuinely care about me, please just remove yourself. I don’t need onlookers gawking at me like the 800lb woman at the circus.
This morning I woke to a couple emails that I would have rather not received, but was thankful for the honesty and bluntness of the senders. That had me going and finding an old blog I had written to respond with, I mean I’ve already written it, why rewrite it? Then I realized, once again, I was looking into the past. I wrote a response and put the blog aside and had vented my anger, Im not sure if I am going to post that blog or just leave it sitting in the blog save space. I am conflicted over that. It is my blog and my feelings but I don’t want it taken the wrong way. After all that, I did something very strange.
I went back to bed.
Which my dogs seemed vastly confused over. I rolled over and went back to sleep for an hour. At nine o’clock in the morning. And I woke up to Gretel, she jumped on me and laid on my chest. Did I mention she is a German Shepherd? I am not exactly sure what had gotten into her. I laughed as she jumped up and turned in circles trying to get comfortable. “Dog, I’m afraid I am too lumpy to be a body pillow.” She turned her head completely to one side and starred at me. I laughed. Hansel just groaned, as if he was asking us why we were making so much noise.
I got out of bed and reminded myself that today was a new day. I met a friend for lunch. I let myself enjoy the food. I didn’t count the calories but I tried to make good choices and choose healthier options. Mediterranean food is not something I was exposed to growing up, but is something I enjoy a lot now. The fresh ingredients and the combinations of food makes me smile. I am not the biggest falafel fan, but the rice, chicken, hummus, pickled beets, etc tasted delicious.
I had several positive conversations with friends today. The deployment is on the downwards slope. The biggest part is over. We are so close to being able to breathe again, for our families to be whole again. The redeployment cycle isn’t nearly as crazy as the deployment cycle. The deployment cycle is filled with a lot of dread, preparing for a year apart, the guys gone a lot. The redeployment cycle is so much happier. It’s filled with joy, and also, a ton of stress. I am sure as we get closer and closer to their return we will get more and more stressed.
After running several errands, going to the doctor, and a meeting, I found myself at the Starbucks next to my tanning salon. I had received a text from the bestie about the Mocha Coconut Frap. So I asked if I could get it skinny. I could, so I did. It tastes like an Almond Joy bar! Seriously, delicious. If you haven’t tried it you should.
And I went to Starbucks, successfully! Didn’t get hit by a car, didn’t almost hit a dog, didn’t spill the drink all over me. Success! Sweet, sweet victory. Ordered a drink, drank the entire thing! Who would have thought that was possible? Ha!
I can’t say that I didn’t feel the emptiness of infertility today. I cant say I didn’t think about it at all a couple times during the day. But I would shoo the emotions away and concentrate on something else or distract myself the best I could. I had a new day, a new page to write upon, I didn’t want to fill it with depressing thoughts.
What I did accomplish was looking towards the future. I have decided to go back to school, come hell or high water. I have to payoff my old school to get my transcripts. It’s a substantial amount of money but KC said we could use part of his bonus to do that. During the deployment I used the money I made working to pay down my student loans, and to get them out of default! My loans are no longer defaulted! I can now qualify for grants, loans, scholarships again. Once I am enrolled fulltime I can get them differed. Also, that was the major item on my credit. Now, it will show up as a reoccurring payment and no longer as a negative, in fact they are taking all the negative off my credit report in the next ninety days. That makes me very happy. In addition to returning to school full time, I miss volunteering with the Red Cross. I had been on the Red Cross Disaster Relief team when we had met. Working with disaster victims brought such a deep satisfaction to my soul. I am going to have to look into the requirements to get recertified but it is something I really want to do again.
My husband understands that I don’t know if I fully believe he loves me. Not so much what he has done, or not done, there is some of that, but moreso, how I have been raised and how I feel about myself. He has been reading my blog and he sent me an email today that was so sweet. He told me the more I push him away the harder he will cling. He told me that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, I push him to be a better man. There was more and reading it made me tear up. I don’t see myself leaving or having a real impact on anyone. That made me think, for a second, that I matter to someone out there, it was a nice feeling.
There is a lot going on tonight so I am writing this blog now. Im pet sitting a friends Bulldog for awhile while she travels. Three dogs in one house, well it will be my own personal circus. I look forward to setting some goals in the future, but I am not giving up hope on eventually having a family of our own. Hopefully nothing happens between now and tomorrow morning that needs blogging, haha.
Remember, tomorrow is a new day, a fresh chance to start over. Make amends to those you have hurt, apologize for what you have done wrong, accept an apology, or simply move forward with your life. Let each day start anew. The page is blank. Get a pencil out and fill it in.
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