Saturday, May 14, 2011
Response to a FB post
I had written this under a comment someone had left me about having a plan in my life. But it was so long I decided to start blogging instead.
Part of that is true I suppose. I have a husband who is in Afghanistan, if thats considered safe, a home that my husband rents that I just dwell in, I dont have a "home" to go back too like everyone else. I dont go "home" to visit family, that doesnt exist for me. And the people who "love and care" for me give lip service on facebook, but 99% of them do not give a damn in real life, wouldnt and arent there when I need them to be. For instance I can tell you how many times anyone has checked on me this deployment, it would be on one hand.
I honestly feel like if I were to die in a car accident tomorrow Id be forgotten about in a month. Where would I be burried? There is no where that I call home, no where to be returned to and I fell honestly, with all my heart no one would visit my graveside anyway. KC would be PCSed somewhere new, it would be hard for him to get back to the cemetery ever. And I do believe hed be moved on and remarried within a year. Honest feeling.
You have a beautiful healthy son. All I have ever wanted in my entire life was children. Its not about fairness its about being a woman, not being able to give my husband a family. Its about getting to the third trimester and your child dying inside of you. Try for one second to imagine the pain of feeling your child move, seeing the ultrasounds, hearing the heartbeat, having picked everything out, having dreams and bonding and then he just dies... at 26 weeks.
I grew up in foster care after being abused, not slightly abused, but raped, beaten, set on fire, stabbed, all before six years old. I was abused and neglected in my foster homes. My dad killed himself when I was ten. My mom died of aids. My first serious boyfriend died in a car accident after leaving my house. My best friend committed suicide, I found him. My female best friends died in a drunk driving accident. And you know what? I went through counseling, I healed, I believed in God and his plan for me. I believed I would be able to help other people with what I went through.
Our last pregnancy we prayed and prayed. People at church, around the world prayed for us. We had the best doctors,followed all the doctors orders. Saw and heard the heartbeat. Lost the baby at thirteen weeks. Ive had every single test none to man done on me. There is no medical explanation. None.
God can take his plan and shove it because my entire life has been pain and abuse. Nothing has ever been given to us, nothing has ever come easy. We have worked so hard. Ive been homeless, Ive been starving, I know what it is like to not have anything at all.
Where other people have family, I dont. Where other people had weddings, graduations, and love growing up. I didnt. That was all fine. I got past all of that. I grew from all of it. I thought I had a plan. When horrible, terrible people abuse and kill children and ours die every single time we get pregnant I give up believing there is plan. I have gone through way more then what is "fair" in life. I was faithful through it all... I am no longer believing there is anything left out there, for me. I am surviving, barely, but thats all I can do anymore.
I give up. I throw in the towel. Why, because there is nothing left. I have nothing left. Sure, Ive got enough money to live comfortably. But what I dont have in my life is the belief that anyone out there loves me, loves me unconditionally, will never leave me. I dont have that. Every single person in my life I am disposable to. They would be fine without me. The closest thing I have in my life to love is my husband, and half the time I struggle with believing he loves me.
So where does that leave me exactly? Because if he were to die, God forbid. I have no where to go, no one to turn to, no love left. Want honesty? There you go. All Ive ever wanted in my life was to be a mother, if I cant be a mother I dont want life. I was robbed of a family as a child, as a teenager and now "God" or "Fate" or whatever you want to call it wants to rob me as a family as an adult. At the end of the day all you have in life is family and love. I dont have either. I dont expect you, or anyone else to understand. Once you are an orphan, once you have had your best friends all taken away from you, once you lost a child in the third trimester, and have lost five, and you are told you will never have a family, maybe then you can understand the complete black hole that my life is. But you have a family, you have a father who loves you, you have a "home" to go to during the deployment if you choose to get away, you have love surrounding you. I have empty words without actions. So, because I dont believe in suicide, I get up, I get through my day the best I can and I go to sleep. There is nothing else for me right now. And there probably wont ever be.
at 10:39 PM