Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Big Enough Closet

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you say, how you say it or what you do it will be twisted. It doesn't matter the intention behind the action, someone somewhere will find a way to change it. I guess that is part of the problem with the written word compared to in person. The meaning can get lost in the black and white of paper. Even on days like yesterday where I tried to have a good day, it gets clouded with unfair accusations and words get put into my mouth. The great thing with written word is you can reread what you have written and you can ask exactly where something was said. The worst thing is everyone has their own interpretations and feelings behind it.

The sad thing is no matter what situation I am talking about someone will assume this is about them. Because, of course, I only received one email ALL day yesterday and only one person reads my blog, and there is only one person in my life. My best friend pointed out tonight when I was telling her how there were a few people that emailed me assuming they were the ones I was talking about when I said yesterday that I was paranoid people were talking about me, and they all confirmed that they and their groups of friends do indeed talk about me, but ironically none of them were the people I actually wrote it about, that sometimes people have guilty consciences. My paranoia obviously was founded, but I didn't realize at what extent it was.

I just deleted 75% of my facebook "friends." I really think that if we live in the same town but haven't seen each other in months, that is not real friendship. Lately a lot of the comments on my facebook statuses only come when it is a negative status. And, I noticed a lot of people leaving backhanded compliments, or snide remarks. I am not stupid. It doesn't take a genius for me to figure out your laughing at me.


This is a hard topic for me. It's a touchy topic. Because, I genuinely care about a lot of people. There are people I have never met in my life who if they needed me to I would be there. A couple of women I have met off of a website that we have corresponded over time via phone, email, etc. I haven't met them in the flesh but you better believe I would drop everything to be there for them and someday I hope we will all meet. I have several friends in my life that I also care deeply about. Enough to drive across country in a snow storm, or drop everything and babysit, or stay up all night to listen to them. I have said it before, I will do just about anything for the people I care about.

But the people in my life who I care about I either talk too often, or we have a history. For instance I have a friend who I have known for over ten years. We used to live together and we went to college together, were roommates. We now talk a couple times a year maybe, haven't seen each other in five. But I love her. I would be there in a second if she needed me.

I care too much, too soon, and too often I get hurt.

I know how I work BUT I have a very hard time turning it around. I don't often believe someone cares about me, lets not even go into the love realm. I have a hard time accepting care and concern and more often then not I don't recognize it. What I do see and feel is confrontation, accusation, criticism, (not the constructive kind either), and I walk away feeling like once again I wasn't good enough, or my intent was twisted, or my meaning wasn't felt. I feel misunderstood, misquoted, and often times like pure shit after these types of conversations. And then to hear it wrapped up in the words care and concern baffles me.

I don't only show my friends care when they are going through something bad. It is there all the time, in the little things, the texts, the phone calls, the brief emails.

I struggle with the concept of care, because I know I am unlovable. As many people have argued the case with me that is absolutely, 100% how I feel. But, care is different then love. I know I love a very small number of people in my life but I care for a great big number. It doesn't take much for me to start to care for a person, and unfortunately that is not always healthy or good. Too many eggs in too many baskets.

So while I care vastly about a lot of people, I think there is fewer than a dozen in my life that I would say that I would believe care for me. Warped. Im sure. But there isn't a lot about me to care about. I suppose, I feel like Im lacking in many ways.

Hmmm… Now I feel like I have gone totally off point.

I have decided I wont be posting statuses on facebook for awhile, or photos of myself, or thoughts. I would really like to hide out and live in a closet but that is not feasible. I have very few interactions with people in the last few months. I did this on purpose. There are a coupe people I see a couple times a month, but other than that I haven't really been very social. In fact, even they have realized the lack of seeing me compared to before.

It seems to me the less I interact, the less I care, and the less I get hurt. That being said, I will stick to my blogging and try to perhaps figure some of this out.

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