The first question in the "30 Days of Truth" challenge is 'Something You Hate About Yourself." I have decided to do these in two parts. The first is going to be a letter to myself. The second is going to be an analysis. The challenge isn't about fixing these issues. So, Im not going to get into what I can do to make it better. I am just going to be honest, because that is what the thirty days is about. Maybe in the process I will get to know myself better.
I hate that you are so damn insecure. I hate that you have zero confidence in yourself. It drives me crazy how you constantly doubt your ability to maintain friendships or to be loved. I hate how you can't hold a single conversation without worrying about what the other person is thinking or feeling or how they will judge you. I hate that you don't take pride in anything you do whether it is your writing, your scrapbooking, your intelligence. I hate your uncertainty in decisions. I hate that you doubt yourself. I hate that you can't allow people in, can't tear your walls down, can't cry in front of others. I hate that you sabotage the relationships in your life one at a time. I hate that you are living in fear. I hate your vulnerability. I hate that you can't just accept friendship, just accept love, just accept people for who they are and the fact that the like you without turning it around in your head, looking for an alternative motive, or searching for the reason they are friends with you. Why can't you just accept people like you for you? I hate that you wait to be hurt. I hate that you dump people before they can dump you just so you aren't hurt. I hate that you walk away from potentially good friendships because they are too close to the walls you have built. I hate that you feel unlovable and continuously let those feelings stop you from being great. I hate that you live in fear.
The question was simple. Name something you hate about yourself. I hate that I am living in fear. I could list a hundred things about my physical body I hate. But I can either change those things, or I can't. Physical attributes are nothing without the internal. My biggest hate about myself is the feeling of insecurity. I have no strength in myself. I honestly, feel unlovable. KC asked me the other day why I cant just accept that he loves me? I don't know how. Don't call bullshit, I really don't know how. The people who were supposed to love me most, my parents, hurt me the most. I was never in a family, I don't know how families are supposed to love or be, because the fact of the matter is I was adopted to be a nanny, a cook, a slave, not a daughter. I was never treated like a daughter, I was never loved, I was never accepted. I've not had the experience of being held by a mother, being told "I love you", unconditional love to me is a fairy tale, much like watching a Disney movie. I don't understand the concept, all I know is that love fails. Love doesn't last.
I constantly live in fear. I fear that KC will leave me someday. That like all the foster families I have had, every relationship I have ever been in, he will one day wake up and realize he doesn't love me. That he had convinced himself that he did but that after everything we have done he woke up and just knew, he didn't love me. That I am unlovable and he wasted his time on me.
I live in fear over every one of my friendships. I don't have long lasting friendships from high school or college. The ones that would have bloomed into something so deep, the three that I truly loved, all ended in death.
I am scared to get close to anyone. I am scared they will die, or walk away from me. That I will sabotage the relationship in some way because of my fears and insecurities.
I am scared because I have seen myself do it. I have the hardest time accepting people like me for me. I always think there is other reasons behind it, I look until I find them, even if they don't exist. Then if I start to get close I start to find things that make me back away. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to get rejected. So I push and push until they leave or I walk away. It is my fault. Or, I isolate myself or just stop hanging out with them if I think we are getting too close. I keep an arm's length distance between me and my friends. Never too close, never want to get broken like I did when Brian committed suicide, or when the car accident happened.
The question was so simple. Name something you hate about yourself. Ive scanned bloggers who have blogged this question. I was shocked by the number of people who said their weight. This is the thirty days of truth, dig deep. Answer the question. I will. I hate that I hate myself. I do. I hate myself. I hate the fear I live in, but mainly I hate that I hate myself. I know it is not healthy. I know it is not good. But it is truth.
- Something you hate about yourself.
I hate myself. That is something I hate about myself.