I have Bekahisms. This word started with my husband KC. I say words that, well, aren't words. They are the combination of words, or a sound, or a phrase that I coin because I say it more than once. I think part of that is being an author and another part of that is just being Bekah. I use the phrase, "a lot a bit" quite often as well. It may be annoying to some but it is me and it is who I am. I see the world in a Bekahism light. I don't always see things the way they are presented. I often see behind the lines, through the fog, and over the hill. Sometimes what I see is there and is real, sometimes it is not. One of the processes I am going to work on this year is not to over think the way I do. I analyze, I obsess, I over think.
If something happens with friendships, or even acquaintances in my life, I over think it. Sometimes people are not going to like me. They are not going to like my beliefs, my political leanings, my religious feelings, my personality. There will be nothing more to it than that. Sometimes, people are not going to like me because of something I have said or done. Sometimes, people wont like me because of rumors or lies they have heard about me and my character, before they have given me the chance to prove these things wrong. Sometimes, people wont like me because they have misunderstood me or my intentions. There are lots of reasons for it. But what I have to get past is the reason does not matter. What matters is for some reason or another they do not like me. I have to respect that and walk away. Yet, I have the hardest time walking away. I want to justify, I want to excuse I want to know why. I want to explain their behavior, or my behavior, when sometimes explanations are not even possible. And inevitably I always come to the conclusion that it is my fault. I did something, or said something, or am just someone, that is bad, wrong, unlovable, inexcusable, unlikeable. And I reanalyze every single conversation, look, experience with that person trying to find that "ahha" moment where it went wrong.
Because of this I obsess over facebook. I will look at someone's page multiple times. I will check their statuses and try to find hidden meaning about me in them, I will look at their comments and see if they are talking about me. I will obsess over things. I will notice that they responded to every persons comment on their status BUT mine and then I will inevitably jump to the conclusion that it's because they are ignoring me, or they don't like me. I will look at people's pages who I have or they have deleted me and check them out of sure curiosity, like a train wreck, I cant let it go. I see comments from past friends, past acquaintances or even those back stabbing, petty dramatic bitches (we all know someone like this), who I cant stand, on my friends pages and then it drives me nuts. I would never make anyone choose between me and someone else, but seeing the face of someone who hurt me, so deeply, who lied about me, trashed my character, spread my deepest secrets, is hard. I have tried blocking people like this but in the end I still know they are there. Facebook will say "six" comments on a status, I see five, so I know that person is there. I keep the ones that are the hardest to see blocked, because I would rather see an empty conversation then see what they have to say. When the hurts subside is often when I unblock them and I can stomach their faces and words on others pages.
It is not even about that as much as it is my insecurities. I jump to conclusions. Someone not responding to my emails? They don't like me anymore and are telling me to shove off. Someone commenting on everyone elses comments and not mine, same conclusion. I know this is wrong. I know there is other things that happen in life, but I cant help it. As of right now that's how I think.
I can sit here all day and realize I have never done anything wrong to a person. I can search and search and not find an action I have committed that would make them not like me. I will then jump to the conclusion that they heard rumors about me and must have believed them. Or even worse they don't like my personality, character etc.
The conclusion is always the same. I am a bad person. I am unlovable. I am unlikable. I am excluded.
Seeing life through a cloud.
Even though I am told these things are not true, and that having these thoughts are often the things that do push people away, my constant apologizing for myself, my actions, the insecurities, are the worst way to shove them away, I still feel it. As long as I feel it I will believe it. As long as I believe it, I will push people away, as long as I push people away it will affirm my beliefs and the cycle will continue.
So… I have deactivated my facebook for a period of time. I need to work on not obsessing about other people and whether or not they have accepted me or want to be my friend or want me in their lives.
I need to work on me. And wanting ME in my life and overcoming some of the fears and the insecurities that I have. Because, at the end of this year I want to be able to be grateful for the people in my life that do care, not care about the ones who don't, and be able to walk away from people without internalizing and putting myself down.
I am not there. I am not even being close to being there. If you were to ask me right now how many people in my life I believe love me. I mean, really, love me. If something was to happen to me and I were to die tomorrow, how many people I honestly believe it would affect in a long term manner, I would honestly say zero. Zero. Yep. I am married and I would say zero. But that is a blog for another day.
Because Amanda is here to go get groceries… and outside of writing, cooking is my second most favorite thing to do… and there is snow on the ground, which means I absolutely must make homemade Zuppa and a loaf of homemade bread.