I have so many thoughts going through my head right now. I am in a lighthearted mood today and plan on writing so much more later… Right now I am sort of in a panic. I have an article due, today, that I somehow lost in the shuffle of emails. I have the article up and am writing it but I seem to have a lack of contacts at the base that I am writing it for. Makes life a little frustrating. Im about to get out a phone book and randomly start calling people… or not.
But I wanted to touch on something. Several people have mentioned lately about forgiving and forgetting, and leaving the past in the past. I have received a couple texts on my phone and a couple emails about it, so know that I am not aiming this at anyone in particular, because there have been several who have told me I should forgive, forget, move on, not dwell on the past, not talk about it. I have recently been told too that it is unhealthy to be thinking about the past. I should forgive and forget. Leave the past in the past, buried.
I get that. I do. I understand the idea and I like it.
BUT in order for me to leave it in the past, in order to forgive, in order to heal. I have to address the issues first. I have kept them buried for years and I need to get them out. I need to say them. Sometimes there is such healing in just vocalizing the pain. Sometimes healing can't begin until issues are addressed.
I see it like a deep cut on your finger. If you ignore the cut, don't get it stitched or cleaned out, it can get infected and can cause much larger problem. Now instead of a couple stitches, you have to have the entire finger, or hand cut off because of the spread of gangrene. Isn't it better to recognize you have the cut, go to the hospital and get the two stitches and deal with a small scar for the rest of your life? That is what I am doing right now. I am dealing with a cut that I have allowed to get infected, it has not yet spread to gangrene, I haven't allowed myself to become a bitter, angry, hurt person. But if I leave it festering much longer it will get that way. Im stitching it up, cleaning it out and allowing it to heal. But it has to be looked at first.
Once I get them out, and I've dealt with them, I can put the negativity and the pain of them away forever, behind me, in a healthy way, and not keep trying to push them down as they haunt me, but lock them up in another section, a section of peace.
I can forgive. Forgiveness I can do. There is such release in forgiving those who hurt you.
But, I will NEVER forget. Ever. I learned that lesson from the holocaust. Forgetting does nothing. Remembering, choosing to share, and learning from our past experiences is what makes us stronger human beings. While I won't let them haunt me and I won't let them affect me anymore, I will remember because maybe, just maybe, my experiences can inspire or help another person. Maybe it's an abused child, who like me, felt like no one could understand what she was going through. Maybe no one will be better off for it but me.
I am ok with that.