Dear Journal,
The last week has been really tough on me. When I decided to do the thirty days of truth I had no idea that the questions were going to be this rough. I feel almost like weight is lifted off my shoulders after I write my answers up, it's so freeing to get some of it out.
At the same token if I sit here and focus on bad I will never leave the house and be a big bawling mess. Last night the Amanda's invited me to dinner with them. It was so much fun. I had this drink that was much like a peach fuzzy navel.
I am going out. I am socializing. It is rare when I go a single day without seeing someone else. But even if you put me in a room full of people I can feel completely, absolutely, alone.
I ordered some fried pickles. I had heard about them but never had them. And they are amazing. I highly recommend them. Fried pickles are such an odd combination. I would never have thought to deep fry a pickle and serve it with ranch. But I would eat them again and again and again. Lord help me if I am ever pregnant, pretty sure KC is going to be tired of them.
I got pretty tipsy just from the one drink. I am a fun drunk, at least I think, I am a fun drunk. I had fun anyway. Amanda and I went back to her house afterwards, had a date with Ben & Jerry and Drew Barrymore. It was a nice, relaxing, evening. Something that I really needed. I am going to a friend's house for dinner tonight to hang out with her and her family. I am not sitting around dwelling on this stuff.
However, I am not ok.
I'm not.
Ill be completely honest, people have been asking me and I have been skirting the issue. I am not ok right now.
Right now I am barely keeping my head above water. I feel like Im drowning. I feel like I am all alone and I don't feel loved. It's not anything anyone else is doing. It is all me. Even today, getting to speak with my husband on skype for a few minutes for the first time in months didn't help. I cant get my head wrapped around the fact that he, or anyone else, who is sane would love me. I know he cares deeply about me. I just don't know why.
He looks so good. So amazing. He losts a ton of weight and he pulled his shirt up to show off his new abs. I about drooled. Then my stupid ass head decides to think- why would he want to stay with me looking as good as he does? Why would he settle for someone like me when he could get a woman so much more beautiful? I didn't vocalize that of course.
I cant wait for R&R but at the same time Im petrified. What if after all this time apart he realized he didn't love me? Or he doesn't find me attractive anymore? Or hes changed? I feel this every deployment and every time I am proven wrong. But Id be lying if I didn't say that was going through my mind.
I want to be clear about something. I don't want sympathy. I don't want attention. I really dont care if you think Im pathetic. This is not about anyone else.
This is my blog. Its about me. Its about what Im going through in my life. Its about my feelings and emotions. If you don't like it. Don't read it. That simple.
Frying pickles. The concept of taking something already delicious and adding something else to bring out the flavor. Intense and perfect. Maybe Im a pickle just waiting to jump into a fryer.
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