Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Post 27: Day 6: Something You Hope To Do In Your Life

There are many things that I hope to do in my life. I have a list about a mile long. I have a bucket list that I have managed to knock some things off of. For my checked off one, I have gone ski diving, white water rafting, high and low rope courses, rock climbing, etc. For another I am still checking off states as I want to visit all fifty of them, I want to visit Italy and Ireland, I want to publish a historical romance, I still have many things on the list to do. But there is one thing I have wanted since I was a little little girl. Ive always wanted to be a mommy. Corky and I have tried and we have continuously failed in this area. We have no problem getting pregnant; we just have issues maintaining the pregnancy.

I am bound and determined to be a mother. It may not be biological, we may foster to adopt or adopt a child, we may adopt and have a biological child but either way I will be a mother. I have raised multiple children and all of my friends trust me to babysit their kids, and I do so often. I have power of attorney over several children, I have been a nanny on numerous occasions and I think Im good to go with the basics. But more importantly I have a ton of love to give. I want to give a child the childhood I never had. I want to give a child, or several, love, hope, encouragement. I want to give a child security and safety.

I think I will be a damn good mom.

But not yet, not right now. Right now I have to get me straight. I need to emotionally be healthy. Financially be secure. Physically be fit. Im working on all of that right now. And I wonder if I will be blessed with a child when all of that is lined up.

Right this moment, for the next six months I am delving into my past. I am doing this so that I can finally, in a healthy way, put it behind me. I am going to forgive those who hurt me, forgive myself, and instead of burying the past where it can be dug up over and over, I am deep cleaning it, getting rid of a lot of it instead. Some of you won't ever understand the need for me to do this, or in such a public way, and that's ok. The accountability of this, forcing myself to do this regularly and not running from it is good.

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