Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Post 35: The Grass is Always Greener

Dear Journal,

Sometimes in life things happens which make you think. The crazy girl from my previous blog tried to leave me nine comments on it. Apparently, she didn't understand that the blog comments are moderated and they need approved before they go through. I am so proud of myself for being able to put that situation behind me and not obsess over it. It was so great to vent, to have the willpower to deny her comments, to not think about them or focus on them and to have an amazing day today with my good friends.

One of her comments made me think about jealousy. Green is a good color for a sweater, not a good color for a personality. And she reeks of green. One of the things I get accused of by petty, stupid women like that is that I am jealous of the fact that they have babies. I have been extremely ecstatic for all my friends who have had babies, loved each ones. I haven't been envious, upset, or petty about any of them but loved them all like they are my kids.

For awhile I was very jealous of bad people who have kids, the people who get them taken away, who abuse, neglect or kill them. I thought God was a cruel God for allowing them to have kids and not me. Then I let go of the jealousy and I realized even though God hasn't blessed us with children he has blessed us with added time together to enjoy each other, grow in our marriage, and build a foundation. KC and I can get up and go whenever we want, we can play, we cant stay out late, we can go on long road trips or travel without the same hassles and money that people with kids can. More importantly we can talk about things now and not have them be issues later. We have great communication and we have that time that weve spent together one on one building us before we add another little person. I think it will make us a better team and better parents in the long run. We won't resent or regret our children, or look at them and think we are trapped in a marriage because of them.

When we were first married we lived check to check. We sometimes over drew the account between pay periods. I was jealous of the higher ranking and the civilians with money. However, we built this bond together and we spent a lot of time finding the free things to do and now we can be very creative. We colored together, these cheap felt posters, and we talked and cuddled. We didn't have cable, we didn't go out to eat, but we spent tons of quality time together which I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world.

The grass is not always greener on the other side.

At some point in my life I stopped being jealous, I stopped wanting more, I stopped coveting other people's lives and started being grateful for what I had in mine.

I live in a huge house. So big that we have four bathrooms. Four toilets to clean. I'm sure people will be jealous of that. I have an amazing husband and marriage, one many people would be envious of. Sometimes Im surprised by my husband and my marriage. The passion that is still very much alive, the communication, the respect, the appreciation for each other. I have two amazing dogs that I love unconditionally and that love me unconditionally. I have a vehicle, which may have its issues, but I still have a vehicle to drive, we are blessed to have food on the table, a job, health care.

I have been jealous of skinny people with good metabolisms in the past. It's extremely hard for me to lose weight. I have to exercise ten times harder and longer than normal people due to medical issues to drop the pounds, but it takes almost nothing to gain weight. I don't feel like I am beautiful. I am in the 170's right now and I feel huge. I have never felt beautiful, I honestly don't think I have a pretty face. But then I think it could be way worse. I could be over 300lbs. I could have a birth defect, or deformed face from an accident. I could be struggling with cancer or another disease. I am healthy. I have great cholesterol, normal blood pressure, healthy blood sugar. I can function independently without any help from machines or medication for normal bodily functions.

I still struggle with some jealousy issues in my life. I get jealous of people with relationships with their families. Then I realize I have incredible friends, who not by blood, but by love are my family. I realize that I may not have a mother but I have other women in my life who have come and gone in the times Ive needed them and have accepted me as their surrogate daughter. I won't ever take for granted what they have and do do for me, they don't owe me a thing, I was a stranger at one point but they accepted me as I was.

My point is, we all have some jealousy issues. I think that getting control over them, appreciating what you have instead of wishing for things you don't and not pushing your feelings off onto other people takes maturity. I am working very hard on that. Sometimes you just need to be grateful for what you have in life and not want what other people have. Being content and satisfied and happy in what you do have instead of wishing for something more, or different, can make a world of difference on your attitude and your life. 
For now I am going to munch on a new candy bar that I found, because in moderation, all things are alright. And these Dark Chocolate Kit Kats are amazing. Absolutely amazing! I love them! They don't even have to compete with regular Kit Kats for my love and attention. I love them just the way they are.



  1. I just want to wish you luck when you and KC try to have a child again. I wish you guys all the luck in the world.

  2. You are going to be a great mom Bek and you know it. I love you very much.