Post 9- Mariachi Singers & Pepperoni

Dear Journal,

Two of my friends and I went out to dinner tonight to a local Mexican restaurant. Two mariachi singers came around to the different tables and sang. My friend's son really loved them strumming on their guitars so I tipped them to stay and sing us a song. He was so cute dancing and swaying and strumming his invisible guitar along with them. I swear they were singing about pepperonis. I swear. It sounded like pepperoni, pepperoni… I kid you not. I think that they really wanted to be at a pizzeria instead. I know, I am totally random. Random is good sometimes.

I forgot about a deadline I had last night. That is odd for me. I almost never forget deadlines. Didn't realize I had until my editor contacted me. I turned in the article this morning but I hadn't even started it until then. It was one I really needed sources on so I had to wait until this morning. Luckily, I had plenty of sources and was able to finish it in a timely manner. I spent most of the day working on that. I took down my Christmas tree, but it is not put away yet. My door was busy today and because I haven't heard from my husband in a couple days every time my doorbell rang my heart dropped to my stomach. I hate that. I hate the worry and fear that deployments bring.

I really gave things some thought today. I do that sometimes, you know, think. Anyway I decided I really like writing again. I miss journaling. I am so glad I started up again. I know I don't always make sense but someday I will look back and see how far Ive come and be happy about it. I was also thinking that I hate my body. HATE it. I hate how fat I am. I don't like being unhealthy. This weight is not acceptable. At all.

But at the same time I LOVE food. Love love love food. I look holding it, touching it, smelling it, cooking it. I really do enjoy all of it. I love shopping for food more than I do anything else. I look thinking about what I can prepare and how I can get the best flavor out of foods.

I lost a lot of weight last deployment. I am currently only five pounds away from the weight I was when Corky Bear came home! That's it! Five pounds, and I was so happy with being 175 because I started out at 230. But now, I want to be less then that. I was the happiest and looked my best in the 140s. I really think I would be semihappy in the 150s. That is my new goal. One way that I achieved it last time outside of going to the gym and working with a trainer was food journaling. I went to Borders tonight and bought the same food and exercise journal as I did last year. It comes with a pocket sized one and I am excited about that, I can make it more mobile. I also bought a book that lists food and its nutrition.

The goal is not to diet. The word diet has such bad connotation and the people who use the word diets normally fail. I don't even want a lifestyle change, nothing huge. I just want to be more aware of what I am eating, what the nutritional value is and how much I am taking in, portion sizes. I refuse to diet. I refuse to give up the foods I have to, and I shouldn't have to. I have done a lot of research and even Jillian Michaels doesn't recommend buying "low" or "fat free" or "diet" or "light" foods. In fact lean ground hamburger can be HEALTHIER then ground turkey! Just depends on the fat percentage and the cut of meat.

During this deployment I find that I eat sporadically and not routinely. That is a big thing I need to fix. I need to eat more regularly. By forgetting to eat I eat bigger meals when I remember. Not healthy. I want to get on a regular meal plan again. Small meals throughout the day. And a regular gym routine. That's my goal.

I want to get to know myself better. I want to learn to be a better person. I want to physically match what I feel inside, and inside I am not a fat person. I like some of my physical traits but the fat needs to go. Im tired of looking in the mirror and being ashamed. Im tired of feeling like my husband could do so much better and wondering when he will realize that and leave me for a more beautiful woman. Im tired of the insecurities that come every time I reach in my closet and decide to instead put on a big, large hoodie to hide beneath.

I don't want to be an entirely new me. Because, that would be saying that the old me is horrible and needs replaced. I don't hate myself. I find myself to be rather interesting. I have good traits, I try to be a good moral person. I try not to lie, I try not to hurt others, I try to help them as much as I can. I give all of myself and I put 100% behind everything I choose to do. I love fully and completely. I am a loyal friend and wife. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am fun.

But, I don't love myself either, not fully, not in a good way. Sometimes, I resent my past, resent my life, resent me and I recognize, the first step in overcoming it, that those feelings are bad. Im admitting to them and dealing with them head on.

So the point… I am going to work on the emotional me and the physical me this year. Maybe at the end of it I will have a brand new me and things will be good again. Maybe I will be able to finally leave some of this in the past. Maybe I will be able to accept love and friendship and hope. Maybe, I wont feel so cold and all alone. Maybe things will be better.

I hope so. Because. I cant keep living the way I did last year. I don't know where it came from and I don't know what happened but the insecure, paranoid, me that showed up and reared its ugly head, rebuilt most of the walls I have worked so hard at tearing down and I don't like it. Don't like it at all. Maybe I could put up a chain link fence instead this time, with lots of holes people can see through. It's a start anyway, better than the Berlin Wall that is keeping people out and shooting those who get close enough to flip over.