Post 40- End of the Month Review & Changes

Dear Journal,

Holy Cow! Is January over already? I can't believe I have 40 posts this month! I did a good job keeping up blogging, they say a habit takes 21 days to form a habit, or at least so it is argued, I hope I have recreated the habit of journaling. I have decided that every month I will have a new background theme. I am also going to stop posting my viewer count every ten posts, really, who cares besides me? I have decided I would do an end of the month recap of what my posts were like this month, and maybe, if I feel like sharing, my reader count. I have been working out the kinks of blogger and have found myself really enjoying the ease and accessibility of being able to write my posts in Microsoft Word, hit "publish" and it does it automatically, keeping the format and content exactly the same as I see it on my screen. Really helps to not have to copy and paste and reformat.

Reader Count: This month was crazy! Somehow my blog got linked on another site and became extremely popular with views. In one day I jumped from 1500 to over 5,000! There is a stat counter imbedded as well as the one that comes with the blog and I was able to locate where the viewers were coming from. I'm not complaining, I was just shocked I really thought I had read it wrong. I did realize that most people will email a blogger before they will leave comments! Ive received HUNDREDS of emails at corkyswife@gmail.com this month. I am really glad I have the settings set for approval of comments because there are a lot of spam bots out there trying to sell products as well. 

From Blogger Stats: Pageviews last month (January): 3,221

Content: I was off the map with content this month, as I am sure I will be every month. My husband got promoted to SSG this month! That was very exciting! I started the blog with an introduction and an explanation as to why I have given up Facebook. I spoke a little bit about a specific memory from my childhood that included childhood bullying because of being a foster child. I took a short break from blogging when I drove across country with my best friend for an impromptu road trip. I continued blogging and wrote a couple posts from the 30 Days of Truth Challenge. I am taking the challenge but not doing it daily. I touched on how my husband and I have a traditional gender role, 1950's marriage. I spoke about jealousy, challenges, and a fight that resulted in the end of a friendship. I spoke about the things that are happening in my everyday life, how I view things, my insecurities etc. I spoke about my best friend in college who killed himself. I blogged about forgiveness, forgiving yourself and forgiving others. I wrote two different posts about our fallen heroes and how I hope people are remembering the troops, like my husband, who are currently, have and will serve overseas fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. I have two separate posts on music, and will continue to add music throughout my blog as it has a big part in my life. I touched on a lot in January and I am sure I will touch on more in February.

Thank you for being loyal readers, for encouraging me, and for continuing to come back to this crazy hectic up and down roller coaster ride that is my life.

You can find an archive of my January posts here: http://rebekah2011.blogspot.com/2011_01_01_archive.html

Post 1: Introduction

Post 2- Bekahisms (or why facebook is deactivated)...

Post 3- Peeing out Butterflies

Post 4- I didn't know I wasn't normal

Post 5- & Then there was Indiana

Post 6- Meet Anne Frank, My best friend.

Post 7- The Concept of 'Forgive & Forget'

Post 8- Do elephants eat pistachios?

Post 9- Mariachi Singers & Pepperoni

Post 10- 140 Readers?!

Post 11- The Fallen

Post 12- Garlic Scented Febreze

Post 13- The Great Debate- How does your toilet pa...

Post 14- 30 Days of Truth Challenge

Post 15- Day 1. Something you hate about yourself....

Post 16- Congrats to my SSG!

Post 17- NIIIO (Currently out of town)

Post 18- Something you love about yourself.

Post 19- WARNING "Shits about to get real"

Post 20- Reader update

Post 21- Deployment Disconsolate

Post 22- Day 3 Something to Forgive Yourself For

Post 23- Old Fashion Gender Roles

Post 24: Day 4: Something you have to forgive some...

Post 25: Sometimes it's all about frying pickles

Post 26: no. nO.No. NO.

Post 27: Day 6: Something You Hope To Do In Your L...

Post 28: Car Wash Comedy

Post 29: Day 06 → Something you hope you never hav...

Post 30- Reader Update

Post 31- Whats love got to do, got to do with it?

Post 32-Roots

Post 33- Some music...

Post 34: This is why I want to live in a hole

Post 35: The Grass is Always Greener

Post 36- Everything Happens For A Reason

Post 37: Day 7 & 8 Of The Challenge

Post 38- Musical Release

Post 39- Deployment & Death

Post 39- Deployment & Death

Dear Journal,
If he had the courage to risk dying, I had to have the courage to risk living. So I concentrated on feeling close to him- The Valentine, Hallmark Channel

Tonight I watched a movie on the Hallmark Channel, called "The Valentine" about a woman whose husband was a pilot in WWII. To say that the movie touched me was an understatement. As a military wife, an Army bomb squad wife, I too know the perils of having a husband off at war. Currently my husband is in Afghanistan. This is the deadliest time in Afghanistan and he is in one of the most crazy, dangerous, job field out there. He dismantles IEDs, the number one killer of all the troops overseas.

This is not our first deployment and it will more than likely not be the last. I hold him the night before a deployment, I trace his face with my fingers, and I memorize every curve, every wrinkle, and every scar on his body. I taste his kisses, savoring them, knowing it will be months on end without seeing his handsome face. He kisses my forehead and I frame that thought in my head, recording it to play over and over again in my mind's eye.

When we get word of an injury or a death I feel relieved it was not him, then guilt for feeling relieved. I cry for the families of the fallen. I sob as I think of their broken hearts. I wonder if/when it will be our time, are we tempting fate with each deployment, each call he responds to? Everyone who says anyone comes back from a deployment unchanged, unwounded, obviously doesn't know what they are talking about. Each and every deployed service member experiences things very differently but every one of them changes. They mature, they grow, and they hurt. They hurt and they are strong, stronger than most of us will ever have to be. Strong in the face of adversity. Strong in battle. Strong in brotherhood. Strong in their mission and their purpose. They serve for their country, their families, themselves. They serve, even though it is not required of them, they serve with fervor and respect. They serve to protect each one of us, the most selfless of all American's serve so we don't have to.

When the wife in the movie got served with the papers saying that her husband was missing in action and she collapsed to the porch, I fell with her, my heart dropped into my stomach, the butterflies took over and my eyes watered. The fear of those words, the fear of an injury, and the fear of him never returning to me comes rushing back to me anew. She says, missing is not dead. Her optimism and faith in that moment was admirable. Every time he gets on the white buses and they take him away, take him to war, take him to deaths door, I put on a brave face. I hug him, I kiss him, I try not to soak his uniform in my tears, and after he is gone, I grieve. Even though I have faith he will come home, the year of him being gone is a year we wont get back. It is full of memories we wont make together. It is full of time that cant be undone or relived. That is a sacrifice onto itself.

I live while he is gone. I live every day. I do every chore, pay every bill, get up every morning and keep the home fires burning. I write him letters, package up the boxes, and say my prayers over his safety. I think of him a thousand times a day, I kiss a photo of him, I reread the letter he sent me that I carry in my wallet, I finger the claddagh he bought me. I wait for the phone call, the email, the hints that he is alive and uninjured.

We've all read the phrase, "half of my heart is in…" but I think I send all of my heart with him. It is wrapped in tissue paper and stuck in his pocket. When his heart breaks, mine breaks. When his heart dances with joy, mine beats along with it.

As the Navy wife is notified, some sixty years later, that her husband died his body identified and his remains brought home, I cried. I cried for all the wives of MIA/POW service members who never had the chance to say goodbye. I cry for the families who don't have that closure. I don't believe that the men in my husband's unit would ever leave him behind, dead or alive I know he will come home to me. Not everyone has that certainty, not everyone knows what happened to their loved one. My heart breaks for them.

My husband is my family, my heart, my soul mate. He is my best friend. He is my hero, my strength and my laughter. He is my everything. And every single day he is in Afghanistan his life, my life, is on the line. Every time he reports to a call, every time they head out to disarm an explosive. He does it with strength, he does it with dissolve. He does his job in hopes that it will save someone else's life. He is selfless and courageous. He fights for the freedoms we take for granted. He fights so I can write this. He fights for the future of this country and so that we won't ever have to see what he is experiencing right now.

As I write this the movie continued.

Taps played, the casket, draped with an American flag was lowered. The widow said her goodbyes. My heart broke. I knew, rationally, it was just a movie.

But it is not just a movie.

In real life American's are dying. Real blood is being shed. Real fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, are dying overseas. 30 so far this month in Afghanistan.

Our friends have died, our family, in war. Four within the year.

I have sat in the cold seat on a hot day and heard the bugle cry. I have witnessed children say goodbye to their father. I have seen the folded flag handed, with thanks for a grateful nation.

It is real to me. The pain, the sorrow, the finality of death is real to me.

As is the finality of living.

After the burial, after the final goodbyes, after the dead warrior is greeted by his friends at Heaven's gate, those left behind most live. They most continue to fight life's battle. They must have the courage to live. We have to go on. We have to live in remembrance of the brave who have gone before and will continue to pave freedoms way.

And sometimes laughter happens through the tears.

And sometimes forgiveness heals all wounds.

And sometimes the good live forever, young.

Bodies die. Souls and love live on forever.

I hope if God forbid anything happens to my husband I can live in the dignified grace and strength that brave women before me have shown.





(All the photos in this post were taken by me. Some were taken the weekend of a fallen friends funeral.My husband served with The Old Guard, in Washington DC before switching jobs to EOD. During that time he served with pride the families of the fallen. The Arlington photos in this post are also taken by me.)

Post 38- Musical Release

Dear Journal,

Music is such a release to me. Sometimes the right song will take me back years, sometimes new songs will stop me in my track and really make me think. Last night I went home after eating a delicious very summery dinner with my Amanda's and talking to them about counseling. Sometimes, being strong is the ability to say that you are weak, seeking out help when you need it, and knowing when to say enough. I am not going this along. I am traveling down this path with my husband, my journaling, a professional therapist, and my friends. I am also healing by the help of music. I know that sounds ridiculous but it is true.

I was listening to music last night, trying to relax, trying to calm my breathing and my body. I was trying a relaxation technique taught to me by my childhood therapist. I listen to music and I think about each part of my body and I imagine that part relaxing. I start with my feet and go to my head. I thought she was crazy but it really works. I tune out everything and simply focus on those parts of my body. Right before doing this a song came on, a new one from Rascal Flatts, and I loved the lyrics so much I immediately googled it (Do the google!) and found the lyrics and video:

I Wont Let Go- Rascal Flatts

It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It's breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Wont let you go
No I won't

I added the song to my list that a couple of friends have inspired me to make and expand my music taste. I've been listening to a lot of different music and while I have always had an eclectic music collection but Ive really been adding to it. There are old and new songs I have been adding to my MP3 player. Some I have had around for awhile but revisited, others are new to me. Saving Abel is one I just discovered. A few of the songs I've added, or played quite a few times this week are listed here:

1. Ace Up Your Pretty Sleeve-Vince Gill
   
2. Barb Wire Halo- Jimmy Baldwin
   
3. Beautiful Day- Saving Abel
   
4. Breath You Take- George Straight
   
5. First Love Song-Luke Bryan
   
6. Hallelujah- Rufus Wainwright
   
7. He Said, She Said-Joe Purdy
   
8. I never told you- Colbie Cailiat
   
9. I Wont Let Go- Rascal Flatts
   
10. Just Like You- Three Days Grace
    
11. Life After You- Chris Daughtry
    
12. Listen-Amos Lee
    
13. Live Your Life- Rihanna
    
14. Man on a Tractor- Rodney Atkins
    
15. Not Afraid- Eminem
    
16. People Fall in Love- Mason Douglas
    
17. Round Here- Doug McCormick
    
18. Sailed Away- Saving Abel
    
19. The Freshman-Jay Brannan
    
20. These Things I Pray- Dan Evans
    
21. Things Like That (These Days)- Joe Nichols
    
22. Twilight Serenade- Jason Myles Goss
    
23. Warm Whispers- Missy Higgins
    
24. Wonderful World- Israel Kamakawio'ole
    
25. Wont Back Down-Mat Kearney
    
26. You're the Reason I Come Home- Ron Pope
    

I've always been one to listen to lyrics. I like rhythm, tone and beat but I really tend to be a lyrics girl. If the music is God awful I wont even get around to listening to the lyrics. This week has been about lyrics for me. Here is a sample of some of the lyrics from the above songs.

Ace Up Your Pretty Sleeve-Vince Gill

Baby I'm a good man
No matter what you heard

And I'll be there for you
When you need me to be
I'll be the sun at your door
I'll be the wind in your trees
If I've nothin' at all on the surface to see
I'll be the ace up your pretty sleeve

 

Beautiful Day- Saving Abel

Cause it's a beautiful day
It's a beautiful sunrise
And I can't stand to see you cry
But I can take away your pain

Breath You Take- George Strait

But life's not the breath you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain't what it's all about
You just might miss the point
Trying to win the race
Life's not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath away

 

I Never Told You- Colbie Caillat

This one reads like a break up song, but with a deployed husband it just fit.

I miss those blue eyes
How you kissed me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe
But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you

Live Your Life- Rihanna/ T.I

This one was so appropriate after the recent situation.

Hey, never mind what haters say
Ignore 'em 'til they fade away
Amazin' they ungrateful
After all the game I gave away

 

Warm Whispers- Missy Higgins

Your warm whispers
Out of the dark they carry my heart
Your warm whispers
Into the dawn they carry me through
And I'm weeping warm honey and milk
That you stay surrounding me, surrounding me
Your warm whispers
Letting me drown in a pool of you
Your warm whispers
Keeping the noise from breaking through
And I'm weeping warm honey and milk
That you stay surrounding me, surrounding me
Yeah I'm weeping warm honey and milk that you
Stay surround me, surrounding me
Honey stay surrounding me

 

You're the Reason I Come Home- Ron Pope

You're the reason I come home.
You're the reason I come home, my love.
You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart...
Well, you're the reason I come home.

Post 37: Day 7 & 8 Of The Challenge

This photo is of my and my husband's hands. 

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Dear Journal,

There have been many people who have come into my life who have made it worth living for. By far the person that is always there is my husband. Many of my friends have failed me, we wont even touch on family, but Corky has never left my side or betrayed me since saying "I Do." He is my biggest supporter and yet he also calls me out on my crap. I love him so much and he is my best friend. He is the reason that I am alive and that I keep going when sometimes I just want to give up, crawl into a hole and be done with the world. 


Knowing how much my husband adores me keeps me going when I feel like falling apart. I know that if something happened to me he would be devastated, that keeps me from being impulsive.



Knowing I have someone to come home to, knowing I have a home with him really makes my life worth living. Feeling appreciated, adored and cared for really helps me keep my chin up when things are going wrong.



Being married means always having a home, always having a friend, always having a safety net. It means someone is always in my court, someone is always on my team. Being married is not that big of a deal, not with the divorce rate being as high as it is, but being married to your best friend, not that is special.

 

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Dear Journal,

This question would have been so easy for me to write about a year ago. But today, I have learned how to make my life a better one by letting go of pain and people who treat me badly. I don't want to make a laundry list; we all have people who have treated us poorly. I have several in my life that I have had to get rid of because of their treatment.



It is my life. I am in control of it. I can not control other people. I can not control what they say or how they act. I can control how I react to other people. I can control whether or not I let them in my life. I can control whether I listen to them. I can control whether I care about their opinion. I can control how much influence they have on me. I can control me. 


Here is what I learned: you get treated like crap when you allow yourself to get treated like crap. You can't control the way other people behave you can only control how you behave. You can't control how people treat you but you can control your reaction to them.

When someone teaches you like crap over and over it stops becoming their fault and start becoming your fault. You let yourself be hurt so many times and then you walk away.

I have been making a conscience effort to not let people treat me like crap. I allow it once or twice but then I speak up. Depending on how they respond depends on how I progress with the relationship. Case in point, the other day when I confronted my friend about how she was making me feel I did it politely, respectfully and calmly. When I did I told her when she x I feel y and I didn't think she realized it was making me feel that way. Her response told me that she did not value the relationship or me as a person. Instead of backing down and continuing to let her treat me that way I walked away from the relationship. I had allowed her actions and words to hurt me for over two weeks and then I realized I was allowing it, I was in control, I was the one allowing her to hurt me. I had to take away her power over me by standing up for myself, putting my foot down, saying "how you are treating me is not right" and giving her the option of changing her behavior towards me or ending the friendship. Unfortunately, I had to end the friendship.

When people use you, mistreat you, say unforgiveable things to you, walk all over you it is not them that you need to blame. It is yourself. When you recognize they are abusing you or making your life miserable you have the choice to allow it to continue or to stop it.

I think about it like a woman who is being abused by her boyfriend. Staying in a relationship with a man who beats you is not acceptable. It may be hard to walk away but its either that or let him kill you. In the end it is as much your fault for staying as it is his fault for hitting you.

So, to answer this question I don't have anyone in my life who treats me like hell because I don't allow anyone to treat me that way.

Post 36- Everything Happens For A Reason

Dear Journal,
Looking back over the years and the situations I have found myself in I have often marveled at how, at the time, I thought my world was crashing down around me, or that I was failing. Yet, somehow, everything has worked out in the end. Sometimes, storms do some pretty harsh damage to buildings, but when the crew comes to repair it the building ends up stronger and more beautiful than it started before the storm. There are times when a wind storm will reveal damage in a foundation that was never noticed before, just in time to repair before a tornado comes through. A little storm, a little repair, making it possible to endure the wrath of a large storm that no one could plan for.



That is how my life is.



I remember a situation that happened several several years back. After Brian committed suicide. After the fatal car accident. After my mom died of Aids. After all of that. I had crashed and burned out of control. I was homeless. Life was tossing and turning around me. I crashed at a girlfriend's friend's house. A stranger, he had a spare bedroom in his apartment. It was empty minus the work out equipment in the corner. I could stay there as long as I needed, but I felt like I was intruding. I had a horrible break up with my then boyfriend, who I had lived with, and who was physically abusive. I ran, but having no family to turn to, I was living out of my two door Chevy Cavalier. I was proud, too proud, to ask for help from anyone but when my friend found out she told her friend and he took me in. I needed a job, and fast, so I started working at McDonalds. My shift manager told me that I was the most overqualified person he had ever had work there. It was a quick job, I was there less than a month, and I took it just to have money while I looked for another job.



I worked the overnight shift, the 24 hour drive through, and when I would get off early in the morning I would feel sick. I'd smell like McDonalds and I would be exhausted. I started throwing up for about an hour a day. I didn't know what was going on; I honestly thought I was allergic to McDonalds, Lol. I started getting cravings for these little, cheap, dollar pizzas. Dale, the guy I was staying with, asked me if I could be pregnant. The idea shocked me to the core. How could I be pregnant? Well it was possible, my ex and I were having sex, but I was on the pill. We had a horrible, terrible break up. I was scared of him, running from him, could I be pregnant?



I was.







I went to a WIC office. They did the pregnancy test and referred me to a Catholic clinic that helped pregnant, in need women. I knew immediately after hearing the heart beat that I would put the baby up for adoption. There was no other option. I had a living, growing, beating heart inside of me. I curled up on the cold floor that night and I sobbed into the blankets. Heart wrenching, aching sobs. How could this be happening? The doctor had explained that being on an antibiotic had more than likely been the cause for my birth control not working. I felt like God was punishing me for having sex outside of marriage. I thought God was punishing me for living with a man outside of vows. I was alone, on a cold floor. I didn't have a bed let alone a crib to bring a baby home to. I eventually fell asleep, my hands resting on where I thought the baby was growing. For two weeks I talked to this being growing inside of me. I prayed over the baby. I went and enrolled in WIC. I spent all day either sleeping, working or reading about pregnancy. I took my vitamins, I ate healthy fresh foods, and I did everything I was supposed to. I started researching adoption agencies; I was going to find my baby the best home I could for the best future possible. One night as I stared at this picture perfect couple on the screen in front of me, and I knew they were the ones, I cried. I was going to reach out to them the next day.



I woke up in a pile of blood, a lot of blood and pain like you have never felt. I drove myself to the hospital, praying, crying, and trying to figure out what was going on. It was my first miscarriage. I was 14 weeks pregnant. I had an emergency D&C surgery, a team of white clothed doctors and nurses, rushing me into surgery, an anesthesiologist wanting to know what I had eaten that day, both my arms being poked and prodded, I don't remember getting into the gown, I don't remember the name of the doctor or what the nurses looked it. It happened so fast. I had a fever of over 102. The doctor told me that my body had rejected the baby, I had aborted the "fetus", in the medical field its abortion not miscarriage. I know it sounds strange, but that's what they say.



He told me he had issues finding the fetus with all of the "crap" in my uterus. From what I understood him to be saying, there was a tear and my uterus had filled with fluids. It didn't make a lot of sense; I was just coming out of anesthesia. All I heard was that my baby had died, and he expected I would be fine and end up carrying a baby to term later in life, that it shouldn't affect anything. So he said. The doctor had the worst bedside manner of any doctor I have ever met. Rushed, he didn't think about the impact of his words, just getting them out and moving on. I was dismissed. No time to answer questions, not time to even fully awaken. Just move on to the next patient. The machine of health care. What could I expect? I had no health insurance, I had no money, I was nothing to him but a waste of time. And it showed.

I had to drive myself "home" back to the cold floor in a random room in a stranger's apartment. I didn't have anyone to call to come get me. I didn't trust anyone I knew in that town with that secret, that huge secret. I told the doctors a friend was getting me. They said they would bring a wheelchair around. I signed the discharge papers and when the guy went to get the wheelchair I left. I took the elevator down to the chapel. I fell asleep on the bench and when I woke up I was conscience enough to drive. I fell asleep under the shadow of a huge cross and rows and rows of candles, did I mention it was a Catholic hospital?



I lay on the floor that night and knew things had to change. I had to get out of Illinois. I had to do something with my life. I had to get off the rollercoaster that had taken my mother to her death and had taken my sisters first born into foster care. I had to break the cycle. I had to do something. I couldn't live like this.



I took a chance. I trusted another stranger who reached out to me. I packed my little two door car and I drove across country to Washington D.C. Into the arms of a woman who didn't have children, but who welcomed me as her daughter into her home, which included my own room and my own bed. She asked for nothing in return of me staying there. And I eventually found a good job at the ABA and I would meet my husband there. The storm of losing my first baby crushed my heart. It crushed my soul. I was alone in a time when no one should ever be alone. I never really have shared that experience with anyone. I didn't share it with the woman who did so much for me in DC. I wanted to bury it, but a woman can never bury the death of a baby.



That storm rocked my life, it shocked my core, it tested my faith, and it cracked my foundation. But, as I rebuilt, and as I fell crumbled to the ground, I reached up to pull myself up and learned so much about myself. It was a personal tragedy. It affected no one but me. I didn't wallow, I didn't mourn, and I didn't have time. I had to live; I had to make decisions, right then, which would affect right now, in the future. So I went to D.C.



And I have never looked back.

It was hard at first. I worked at a gas station, I worked at Six Flags, and I worked anywhere I could get a job to make a buck before I was accepted at the ABA. I dated a lot of random men, but I was scared of sex, scared of committing, scared of being dependent on a man for my life. I kept everyone at arm's length, even my husband when I first met him. We both say that neither of us meant to fall in love, neither of us meant to start something that would turn into marriage. He knew he was going to eventually leave DC and I knew I loved it there and didn't want to go. Funny how life dictates and pushes you into other directions.



If I had not had the miscarriage I doubt I would have moved to DC. I doubt I would have had the push in me to finally escape the life I was not living, the life I was just floating through. If I had not had an abusive boyfriend, if I had a supportive family, I may never have met my husband and may never have found the happiness and release in his arms.



I found a big part of me in DC. I found my voice again. It was DC where I started writing again. It was DC where I found humor, laughter, love. DC is where I fell in and out of love. DC challenged me, my political views, my historical knowledge. Challenged me to rely on myself, to find my way around a large scary city. I learned about public transportation, I learned about crowds, I learned about energy. I learned about American history, the political process, patriotism. I learned about the bigger picture. DC led me to believe in human kind and in the ugliness of humanity at the same time. DC is a walking contradiction of excitement and process and joy. I love that city so much. A city I had only read about in books but that became my home for years. I found my forever home in the arms of a boy in DC. A boy that Ive watched grow into a man.

I didn't know at the time any of this existed for me. I didn't know there was a bright eyed, cocky smile wearing, bad sports team choosing, Irish American soldier out there ready and able to guard and protect my heart. I didn't know that running away from the past would push me into the arms of the future. I had no idea.



I had no idea that my husband and I would experience many miscarriages ourselves. I didn't know that the first time I had a D&C would be the first of what was to be four times I would go under surgery because my babies died. I didn't know that it would become a pattern in my life. But, each time I am so grateful to have my husband by my side, each time I am so thankful to not be alone and have to drive myself. Each time I am grateful to be alive. The first time, I wasn't, I had wished with all my soul I had been carried off with my baby. There are not a lot of positives one can find from miscarriages. It is a heartbreaking experience each and every time. 


However, everything happens for a reason. In the moment you might not understand why, sometimes the reasons don't appear for years, and it is indeed possible that it might not make sense while you are still alive, but I believe, I deeply believe, in something out there that is bigger than myself, bigger than this world I live in, big enough to make reason out of missing puzzle pieces and broken fences. I believe that nothing I go through, nothing I see, feel or think is without rhyme or reason, without worth. My first miscarriage led me down a path that led me to my husband, led me here and now to this place I currently am. It doesn't diminish the pain but it somehow makes it a little better.



I am rambling. Time to wrap this one up. Thanks for listening.

Post 35: The Grass is Always Greener

Dear Journal,

Sometimes in life things happens which make you think. The crazy girl from my previous blog tried to leave me nine comments on it. Apparently, she didn't understand that the blog comments are moderated and they need approved before they go through. I am so proud of myself for being able to put that situation behind me and not obsess over it. It was so great to vent, to have the willpower to deny her comments, to not think about them or focus on them and to have an amazing day today with my good friends.

One of her comments made me think about jealousy. Green is a good color for a sweater, not a good color for a personality. And she reeks of green. One of the things I get accused of by petty, stupid women like that is that I am jealous of the fact that they have babies. I have been extremely ecstatic for all my friends who have had babies, loved each ones. I haven't been envious, upset, or petty about any of them but loved them all like they are my kids.

For awhile I was very jealous of bad people who have kids, the people who get them taken away, who abuse, neglect or kill them. I thought God was a cruel God for allowing them to have kids and not me. Then I let go of the jealousy and I realized even though God hasn't blessed us with children he has blessed us with added time together to enjoy each other, grow in our marriage, and build a foundation. KC and I can get up and go whenever we want, we can play, we cant stay out late, we can go on long road trips or travel without the same hassles and money that people with kids can. More importantly we can talk about things now and not have them be issues later. We have great communication and we have that time that weve spent together one on one building us before we add another little person. I think it will make us a better team and better parents in the long run. We won't resent or regret our children, or look at them and think we are trapped in a marriage because of them.

When we were first married we lived check to check. We sometimes over drew the account between pay periods. I was jealous of the higher ranking and the civilians with money. However, we built this bond together and we spent a lot of time finding the free things to do and now we can be very creative. We colored together, these cheap felt posters, and we talked and cuddled. We didn't have cable, we didn't go out to eat, but we spent tons of quality time together which I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world.

The grass is not always greener on the other side.

At some point in my life I stopped being jealous, I stopped wanting more, I stopped coveting other people's lives and started being grateful for what I had in mine.

I live in a huge house. So big that we have four bathrooms. Four toilets to clean. I'm sure people will be jealous of that. I have an amazing husband and marriage, one many people would be envious of. Sometimes Im surprised by my husband and my marriage. The passion that is still very much alive, the communication, the respect, the appreciation for each other. I have two amazing dogs that I love unconditionally and that love me unconditionally. I have a vehicle, which may have its issues, but I still have a vehicle to drive, we are blessed to have food on the table, a job, health care.

I have been jealous of skinny people with good metabolisms in the past. It's extremely hard for me to lose weight. I have to exercise ten times harder and longer than normal people due to medical issues to drop the pounds, but it takes almost nothing to gain weight. I don't feel like I am beautiful. I am in the 170's right now and I feel huge. I have never felt beautiful, I honestly don't think I have a pretty face. But then I think it could be way worse. I could be over 300lbs. I could have a birth defect, or deformed face from an accident. I could be struggling with cancer or another disease. I am healthy. I have great cholesterol, normal blood pressure, healthy blood sugar. I can function independently without any help from machines or medication for normal bodily functions.

I still struggle with some jealousy issues in my life. I get jealous of people with relationships with their families. Then I realize I have incredible friends, who not by blood, but by love are my family. I realize that I may not have a mother but I have other women in my life who have come and gone in the times Ive needed them and have accepted me as their surrogate daughter. I won't ever take for granted what they have and do do for me, they don't owe me a thing, I was a stranger at one point but they accepted me as I was.

My point is, we all have some jealousy issues. I think that getting control over them, appreciating what you have instead of wishing for things you don't and not pushing your feelings off onto other people takes maturity. I am working very hard on that. Sometimes you just need to be grateful for what you have in life and not want what other people have. Being content and satisfied and happy in what you do have instead of wishing for something more, or different, can make a world of difference on your attitude and your life. 
For now I am going to munch on a new candy bar that I found, because in moderation, all things are alright. And these Dark Chocolate Kit Kats are amazing. Absolutely amazing! I love them! They don't even have to compete with regular Kit Kats for my love and attention. I love them just the way they are.


 

Post 33- Some music...

Random songs from tonight.

Lyrics to Sympathize by Amos Lee listed below.

Sympathize: Amos Lee

It ain't no jive 

I was burning alive 

Whenever you walk in the room 

It happened so quickly 

I was feeling so sickly 

Like a lover who lost his muse 

The sharks in the tank or 

The men in the bank 

He wants my money to loan 

I can't understand 

What the hell is his plan 

While he ain't even got a home 

Ain't got a home 

Girl on a street 

With holes in her feet 

Looks through the eyes of a cloud 

She don't look amazed 

She's feeling kind of sad 

So I just walk around 

I reassess 

She's down on her luck 

She's reading a book of lies 

I don't know when I'll be coming home baby 

But I shall sympathize 

Can sympathize 

Can sympathize 

Angels spread their wings 

On all the dirty things 

But you 

Do 

She drops to the floor 

Her head's by the door 

Her bible is by her side 

Heaven is calling 

The new world is falling 

And she ain't got a single person left 

To confide 

No one to confide 

No one to confide 

Ah to confide 

I sympathize 

Can sympathize

This is another good one. Most of you probably haven't heard these lyrics or this artist before. 

 "Forever My Friend" and its by Ray Lamontagne

Who am I to tell her

Who am I to play god

Who am I to think I can go it alone

Something tells me girl this is bringing you down

Something tells me this is bringing me down

We've been through some changes

Always seem to hold on

Lately it feel like you can't take anymore

Something tells me girl this is bringing you down

Something tells me girl this is bringing you down

Forever my friend

Forever my love

Forever the woman that I'm thinking of

I just think if we keep our hearts together

Just think if we build on this trust that we have for one another

Baby we can make this last a lifetime

Who am I to tell her

Who am I to play god

I don't know just what's for real anymore

Something tells me girl this is bringing you down

Something tells me girl this is bringing you down

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right

Maybe it's the last thing you want to hear me say

I just think if we keep out hearts together

I just think if we build on this trust that we have for one another

Maybe we can make this last a lifetime

Forever my friend

Forever my love

Forever the woman

That I'm thinking of

I just think if we keep our hearts together

I just think if we will build on this trust that we have for one another

Maybe we can make this last a lifetime 

Love this one.

"Closer to Love" Matt Kearney

She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call
from our knees
We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon

Oh it's your life
Oh it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin
Down with the wind
And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon

Oh it's your life
Oh it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Cause you are all that I've waited for
All of my life
(We're gonna get there)
You are all that I've waited for
All of my life

You pull me closer to love hu huuh
Closer to love hu huuuh
Pull me closer to love
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love oh no
Closer to love
Closer to love

Pull me closer to love 

You have to follow through... That is what love is all about. 

"You Have To Follow Through"- Gavin Degraw

Oh, this is the start of something good

Don't you agree?

I, haven't felt like this in so many moons

You know what I mean

And we can build through this destruction

As we are standing on our feet

So, since you wanna be with me

You'll have to follow through

With every word you say

And I, all I really want is you

you to stick around

I'll see you everyday

But you have to follow through

You have to follow through

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive

They keep me in tune

Oh, look what I‘m holding here in my fire

This is for you

Am I too obvious to preach it

You're so hypnotic on my heart

So, since you wanna be with me

You'll have to follow through

With every word you say

And I, all I really want is you

you to stick around

I'll see you everyday

But you have to follow through

You have to follow through

The words you say to me are unlike anything

That's ever been said

oh what you do to me is unlike anything

That's ever been

Am I too obvious to preach it?

You're so hypnotic on my heart

So since you wanna be with me

You'll have to follow through

With every word you say

And I, all I really want is you

you to stick around

I'll see you everyday

So since you wanna be with me

You'll have to follow through

With every word you say

And I, all I really want is you

you to stick around

I'll see you everyday

But you have to follow through

You have to follow through

You're gonna have to follow

Oh, this is the start of something good

Don't you agree?

This one has gotten a lot of air time lately. I like it. 

Firework- Katy Perry

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, 

Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?

Do you ever feel, feel so paper-thin

Like a house of cards, then blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?

Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you?

'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine

Just own the night like the Fourth of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "ah, ah, ah!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst

Make 'em go "ah, ah, ah!", 

You're gonna leave 'em all in ah ah ah 

You don't have to feel like a waste of space

You're original, cannot be replaced

If you only knew what the future holds

After a hurricane, comes a rainbow

Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed

So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow

And when it's time you know

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine

Just own the night like the Fourth of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "ah, ah, ah!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst

You're gonna leave 'em goind ah ah ah

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

It's always been inside of you, you, you

And now it's time you let it through-ooh-ooh

'Cause baby, you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "ah, ah, ah!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst

You're gonna leave 'em all in ah ah ah 

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon